Crimson Angel
Dark Initiate
My day fades to dust as I wake.
Posts: 21
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Grey
May 1, 2008 23:15:34 GMT -5
Post by Crimson Angel on May 1, 2008 23:15:34 GMT -5
"Grey" Originally written on April 21,2008
Looks as depressing as the storage units filled with lifeless shells in the depths of a hospital
Smells like a man made forest fire engulfing the trees of the old and making room for the infants to come
Taste like the tasteless slop being served day after day in the school cafeteria
But worst of all, feels as blood chilling as the eerie fog surrounding a new recruit in the field of stones met to resemble the deceased for eons to come.
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Grey
May 20, 2008 1:32:54 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on May 20, 2008 1:32:54 GMT -5
Has potential, but I think that your format/rhythm are really hampering things. Im not a fan of "but worst of all" in your last sentence.. Could definitely do without. Could work well if you cut out a little filler and shift things around. Personally I like to read my work out loud and space my work in accordance with how id stop out loud. Lol i worded that horribly, but i think you get what i mean
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