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Post by caskade on Jun 25, 2008 15:21:17 GMT -5
grab my whispering soal.... snatch it and swallow it whole, tell me all you know. speak soft and tell it slow. the darkness covers my fate, wondering around without a trace, listen to what i say and understand my fate. i no longer need these things, i must return to the place that i once came. the light is where i once came, I'll show you my true face if you guide me to the place. take my cold hand so that you understand you betray my trust and you will die by my hands. understand? the darkness covers my fate, wondering around without a trace, the light is where i once came and where i will end my journey.
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Post by <strip> on Jun 30, 2008 20:37:08 GMT -5
Soal => Soul
Is this a free style?
[i must return to the place that i once came. / the light is where i once came] The ends of these two lines feel too repetitive. There are a lot of extra words in your poem that you can easily toss. You can try to cut things to the bare minimum for stronger effect.
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Post by 2standalone on Jul 1, 2008 23:15:49 GMT -5
this is repetitive.. wouldnt be a bad thing except that you arent only repeating words, but the same concept over and over.. you seem to be going in circles
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