|
Post by brokenwingedangel on Jun 26, 2008 19:58:18 GMT -5
brute force dilapidated, the pertinent of my sympathy. I’ve loss my humanity… my soul and yours
and now I am crushed and neither one of us gives a damn. no one gives a damn about me. not anymore at least.
so drenched in loneliness I curl up and calmly contemplate sweet suicide… why not if the last to abandon me has done so…
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 27, 2008 2:33:49 GMT -5
Your vocab in the first stanza is very forced. Should be "lost" in the third line.
Several parts feel awkward.. The wording is "off," similar to when you read from someone who does not have English as their first language.
I dont mean to be rude. I cant enjoy the writing or connect to your emotions.
|
|