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Post by caskade on Jun 25, 2008 15:07:10 GMT -5
they left me here alone again..... my mind racing,me knowing no one really cares they just went out the door. the wind a powerful whisk behind their backs. it was all an act when i just stood there as the clock ticked, and waited for the door to close and the locks to click. this was some messed up shit. i was sick and alone, no one picked up the phone, my brain raced with worry at being left alone. i knew what me, myself was capable of. pull out my wrist, take two slits no three. two more an hour later, just to make sure i understood my actions myself. this was punishment for being afraid to be alone.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 25, 2008 15:18:00 GMT -5
This is too melodramatic.. I cant take it seriously, im sorry.
The topic of wrist slitting has been written about more times than I can count.. If you want to make the subject interesting it needs a personal and creative touch, which I am not seeing here.
Your reasoning behind the suicide is not believable. Even if you were to stick with "being afraid to be alone" you would need to convey your emotions better.. Let your readers know WHY it is so scary. Use your senses and imagery. Explaining what is happening around/to you is not enough to be effective.
As far as format/grammar etc goes.. You need to change your spacing. Making new lines as you take breaks in the read really helps capture your rhythm. Your vocab is basic and dry.. Spice things up!
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