suicideangel
Dark Initiate
What am i to do when the world turns dark and cold?
Posts: 24
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Harsh
Jun 22, 2008 1:35:27 GMT -5
Post by suicideangel on Jun 22, 2008 1:35:27 GMT -5
What is this pain i am seeking? What is this guilt that I'm feeling? I'm torn up inside, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I wish these chains would bind me up, And lock my feelings inside. This heart of mine is ripped, This soul of mine is torn. He has got his grip, He has got his score. What is this pain i am feeling? A pain so incredibly harsh.
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Harsh
Jun 22, 2008 10:20:54 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 22, 2008 10:20:54 GMT -5
The rhythm of this piece is the first thing that captures my attention.. Its not nearly as smooth as it could be. Do you usually write in a set format? It feels very much that this rhyme scheme is tying you down. Your diction/vocab is very basic, which makes for a dry piece of writing in my opinion..
I dont mean to be rude, but you need to take into account that many, many people have written about this feeling before. If you want to capture your readers attention you need to make it personal. Make it unique so that your piece stands out above the rest, otherwise it will get passed by.
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Harsh
Jun 22, 2008 18:50:35 GMT -5
Post by Kitten on Jun 22, 2008 18:50:35 GMT -5
I think, if you want to create an effective piece of writing that others could relate to or could find interesting you need to scratch this and start over. If you're just venting your feelings, that's fine but I'm addressing this from a creative point of view and I don't see any creativity here. Describe, describe, describe. Don't just say how you feel, show how you feel. Back it up. Explain. Illustrate. Words are your "paintbrushes", so create something new and meaningful to you personally, instead of just stamping recycled phrases.
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