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Post by lonelylove on Jun 4, 2008 16:50:14 GMT -5
do you see me? i stand there. right in front of you i notice you but you seem to look threw me like I'm nothing. maybe thats what i am Nothing.
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Post by lucialee on Jun 4, 2008 21:54:58 GMT -5
simple but effective...
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 6, 2008 10:49:18 GMT -5
I think "Transparent" would work well as a title. "Threw" in the fifth line should be "through."
I need something solid.. This is such a basic piece of writing, with nothing to hold my attention. It feels like Ive been saying this a lot lately, but I need something personal from you. Bring your writing to life. Please make sure that you are not posting every poem that you write, just the ones you are very happy with or need constructive feedback on.
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Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on Jun 6, 2008 10:56:13 GMT -5
there seems to be no rhythm with the last 4 lines but thats just me. try making it more personal like black pheonix said and try discribing your situation more.
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Post by dicacity on Jun 9, 2008 11:36:23 GMT -5
I'm in agreement with the existing comments. It's very effective and I like succinct pieces but feel, too, that this demands more detail. I like the idea of "Transparent" as the title as well. Thanks for sharing.
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