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tear
Jun 9, 2008 15:49:07 GMT -5
Post by brokenwingedangel on Jun 9, 2008 15:49:07 GMT -5
i shed the cold tears of an internal numb.
i cry cold rivers that i so easily drown in but for some reason cannot perish within.
my greatest mental anguish... is the dead delicacy- i once loved, but now grieve for.
i can very clearly see illumination going astray… without you here with me.
sadly all i can do is shed even more tears of this internal numb… until I am once more connected with you, however until then i must live a life of bitter despair.
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tear
Jun 9, 2008 15:57:00 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 9, 2008 15:57:00 GMT -5
No need for "ness" grammatically, this doesnt really work. clear is already pretty clear.. No need for "very" I = is? thee? you dont need "ness" after numb. Tough to read poetry that is full of little errors. Tighten up your work and you will get more comments im sure.
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tear
Jun 9, 2008 16:05:14 GMT -5
Post by brokenwingedangel on Jun 9, 2008 16:05:14 GMT -5
I see. But with the error aside is it good or bad...because i personally think it is good.
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tear
Jun 9, 2008 16:09:55 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 9, 2008 16:09:55 GMT -5
Ill be honest, I was so distracted with the mistakes, I didnt even notice the subject matter. There are parts that dont make sense, so its hard to say that its good. Has potential, but needs work.
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