alekiel
Dark Initiate
never there....
Posts: 55
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Post by alekiel on Jun 4, 2008 12:24:23 GMT -5
Obituary
lying there.....on the floor... naked, ripped, smashed and teared apart...
shivers, hear i , around... shivers pouring slowly ....drowned... my heart.
too much.....too late, to foretell... today you`re here without a shell... your broken....
they`ve cut your wings and let you fall.. from the skies into this hole.... unspoken.
they`ve bled you off from every pulse... they`ve made you scars with no remorse.... so dark....
you were the torment of disaster.... you were the tragedy, a cluster... so sharp.
you died in vain....you died alone... you had no friends...you lost them all... none dares....
and now you`re lying here naked... ripped apart and breaking`.... none cares.
the wind trembles as you pass... the sun hides into a mess... of clouds...
only night came to your death.... to cover your cold, dying breathe... so loud.
darkness`s taking you away... your life, your wings, your pain... goodbye...
by Alekiel
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Post by lonelylove on Jun 8, 2008 21:20:59 GMT -5
ok trailing periods got kindda annoying esp when they were at the end of a line and you could have used a coma or a regular period. and the "none dares" that was put in to keep your pattern is really forced. i see that for the pattern you use the same first word then a rythming word and if you changed the "none dares" and "none cares" to "no dares" and "no cares" it might flow a little better in those two stanzas.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 8, 2008 21:25:07 GMT -5
Your tenses are really messed up in some parts. You havent replied to any of the comments people have left you.. I cant tell if you actually want to improve your writing or just show it off.
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alekiel
Dark Initiate
never there....
Posts: 55
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Post by alekiel on Jun 10, 2008 11:56:28 GMT -5
ppl.....thx for your criticism....i rly appreciate it. i don`t wanna just excuse myself...and get out off the mess i`m in so....i `ll just thank you again....ad try in the future to be more active, thx , Alekiel
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alekiel
Dark Initiate
never there....
Posts: 55
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Post by alekiel on Jun 10, 2008 12:17:18 GMT -5
sry for the " ....... " itz just spell tic and for those lines....."none dares" and "none cares" it suppose to be the continue of the stanza....
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