|
Post by bloodwolf on Jun 18, 2008 21:40:28 GMT -5
need you more than ever now Now that my spirit let me drown In the sorrow I cannot breathe All that's left to do is greive
Now more than ever I wish you could see The fate that binds you and me Please don't walk through the door With every step I need you more
Don't leave me in my darkest hour I'll wilt and wither like a flower I don't want you to be my past I swear this chance will be my last
Take a walk with me and see How our lives used to be I beg you don't walk out the door With every step I die some more
|
|
|
Post by lucialee on Jun 18, 2008 22:25:16 GMT -5
this is very effective... I had my fiance of five years leave me for another woman and I completly empathize with these words. is this a personal xperience of yours?
|
|
|
Post by bloodwolf on Jun 18, 2008 22:29:38 GMT -5
Well not really. In some ways it is. But looking back at the relationship now I'd say no.
Sorry if that doesn't really make sense.
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 19, 2008 11:59:19 GMT -5
Too much filler and repetition. You could have summed up the poem with "Dont leave me, I still want you. Try to remember what it used to be like."
Needs more emotion.. More creativity.. More substance. Trying to drag out one idea too long only takes away from your writing in my opinion. Plus, the diction/vocab you use is very simplistic.. I cant tell if thats because the rhyme scheme was impairing you a bit or if its just very basic wording that you use.
I want to FEEL as you do! If you are writing for your readers as well as yourself you will need to work on conveying your emotions.
|
|