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Post by brokenwingedangel on Jun 9, 2008 17:01:13 GMT -5
there is no no hope of fleeing the dark apparition that feels justification in teasing and taunting leaving and haunting me.
escape has fallen away from my narrow ball of options.
heartbeats intensify… i refuse to let such a entity of insanity intervene on my life. no. this shall not be done not without opposition.
breathes vacuum oxygen as I desperately flee from my poignant sorrow- composed to make a nightmare that resides within my every conscious…
there is no hope and no escape… but still I will not be acquiescent.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 9, 2008 17:50:09 GMT -5
Dude, is English your first language? I dont mean it in a rude way, its just that all the poems youve posted lately suggest that its not. Many parts have really weird grammar or just plain dont make sense. It feels like this came out of a translator or something..
If English IS your first language, I suggest reading your work out loud to yourself.. You should be able to find the errors quite fast. I need to see effort on your part before I will leave helpful feedback.
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Post by jonah_calder on Jun 9, 2008 19:15:03 GMT -5
I have to agree, to some extent. It was hard to focus on the poem because of the bad grammar. It is good to use a veriety of words in poetry, but a lot of those seemed forced. Reading your poems out loud is great advice because if it doesn't make sense to you, then it really won't make sense to your readers and that is what its all about. I do think the poem has potential but it needs a lot of fine tuning.
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Post by lucialee on Jun 10, 2008 11:10:07 GMT -5
I think I get what you are saying here, correct me if my wrong.. but I kind of got the feel that you were saying that people are going to mock you and put down your desicions, you've just got to decide not to let them get to you. Maybe I'm worng though.. I kind of like the way you write it is sort of sporatic and identifiable... not all poetry is easy to get the first time you read and some shouldn't be.... you have really got to take the time to soak up the meaning. I liked it.
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Post by brokenwingedangel on Jun 10, 2008 18:00:59 GMT -5
I'm going to pick apart the ONLY false I SAW in this piece. What i saw of the matter is that I REALLY just need to proof read my poetry before i post it, that it all that i see to be the problem. Because as subject matter goes, I only care what my reader thinks of my poetry...i truly care about their interpretation of my art. And if it comes down to my entire art, my abilities as a poet and the way people interpret my work (which is negative for the most part) than i ask for critics to be specific- because again if it is just proof reading than that is quite simple, but it's me as a poet than i need error specifics.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 10, 2008 18:11:58 GMT -5
Yes, please proof-read before posting. I would much rather comment on the actual poem instead of how its presented. Both are key elements to capturing your readers attention.. Some wont mind errors, while others are completely distracted by them. Being honest with you, I wont be able to comment on your writing properly if its full of easily avoided mistakes. Its like buying a new house and leaving old food everywhere. I dont want to visit if theres a rotten pizza under the couch, even if its the nicest house in the city. As long as you do your best to post the best you can do, I will put in full effort to leave you the most helpful comments I can.
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