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Post by lonelylove on Jun 5, 2008 17:05:59 GMT -5
confused and alone in a cold heartless world, not sure what to do but i am sure that i can't win this battle with you, and i can't lose it either it's an endless war with the casualties marked on my wrist. it is never going to end, because i can't stop you with your recruits of how i have f*cked up the battles get bloodier each time we fight the crys of my despair are lost within your war crys of victory your victory as i lay dieing.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 6, 2008 11:00:04 GMT -5
I want to hear about the armies, the blood, dying screams! Go into detail. You were doing really well with "it's an endless war / with the casualties marked on my wrist... Continue with that train of thought.. Get creative with figures of speech and really dig into the topic.
The repetition of "not sure" and "i am" sounds too simple. I think you can tighten that up and replace a bit of it with something more effective and clever.
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Post by lonelylove on Jun 12, 2008 16:26:31 GMT -5
ok re-worked alittle. i added some figuritive languge that you are saying helps let me know if this is better.
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