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Post by lucialee on Jun 4, 2008 21:53:11 GMT -5
I lay on my bed trying to dream I’m listening to them starting to scream They throw their insults and I get scared So I run down to tell them I hear
There he stands with drunken stupor Starring with intent to kill I run away but not fast enough For he can run faster still
I feel the first smack It’s hot and stings The second though My ears start to ring I cry to relieve some of my pain But f*ck it why? It’s all the same “it’s all your fault” I hear him cry and there I lay to afraid to ask why
and now they ask me why when something goes wrong I blame myself To help the move along
There’s nothing left in me to fight Only the seven year old with blackened eye
No will or reason to carry on Except the fact that it’s the road less traveled on
I am cold and useless But alas I digress.
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Post by <strip> on Jun 5, 2008 15:16:46 GMT -5
Is this taken from personal experience?
It's hard to feel your emotions in this poem because you don't express them. Explaining what is happening around is not enough to make your readers feel, unless you change your writing style or add to it.
The only part I thought was worthy was Basic. Hard. Honest.
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Post by lonelylove on Jun 5, 2008 16:47:44 GMT -5
i kindda agree but more i disagree with strip. i really like this and if it is a personal experience then i'm really sorry. i felt your emothion but it was kindda distant or not all there. i may have felt it more than others will because i've lived it so it hit close to home for me. and other's whoe have lived it will feel it but those who have not(like strip i'm guessing?) won't feel it.
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Post by dicacity on Jun 9, 2008 11:40:29 GMT -5
I was married to an alcoholic who abused our daughter so this hit home with me. I think it gave me a deeper insight into how my child must have felt during those dark years. Thank you for sharing this. I found it to be very effective.
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Post by lucialee on Jun 9, 2008 19:24:51 GMT -5
yes it was from my own personal experience ... I agree my style seems a bit distant... but I think that it kind of fits my personailty...I guess I need to take into consideration that sometimes it can seem a bit apethetic. thank you all for the comments it really helps
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borntodie
Dark Initiate
LIVE, LOVE, BURN, DIE
Posts: 24
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Post by borntodie on Jun 10, 2008 9:17:23 GMT -5
After reading the other coments about the "distant" feel of the poem I had to share my thoughts. From my own experience, living through sh*t like that makes a person distant. And to me this poem expressed that you can re-live events over and over, a part of you still remains in the past and the emotion becomes a part of your daily life. Like a shell you can't break out of. And no matter how many times you state the facts, the pain & the memories will always be your own personal hell. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: to me the distance was a key part of this poem.
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Post by brokenwingedangel on Jun 10, 2008 18:07:24 GMT -5
i enjoyed the aspects that most find as a hardship....the distance in the poem invoked in me such profound emotion. For me, one who has not gone through such pain, i actually felt sadness attached to your words. I really liked it, so keep up the good work.
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Post by brainkisser on Jun 12, 2008 20:58:57 GMT -5
i enjoyed reading this because as you can see from the previous responses it very relatable
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