wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
|
Post by wkdclwn on Jun 12, 2008 19:42:12 GMT -5
Into the Void
The pills that calm and ease the pain The stress that wreaks havoc on your brain Take a drink or a needle in the arm It is hard to find a thrill when life has lost its charm When the sex is boring and has no meaning All day and all night on the inside you are screaming So many partners and you wonder who is next A moment of clarity to see what you regret A few cuts from the razor to see if you bleed It's hard to fill the emptiness when you don't know what you need So hard to erase the memories you feel Who knew this nightmare could be so real From being raped to being a junkie Don't you feel so very lucky? Lucky to have it all brewing inside While never finding a soul in whom you could confide Scared to let them in and see your weakness They may destroy your world of neatness They may see the tears that no one has ever seen Realize your life is not so clean See the dirt all swept under your bed Realize the scars that are inside your head Discovering the fear that you cover with a smile The make-up always fades after a while The paint you put on to make them believe Yet on the inside you always grieve Wondering why you always live in the past You are waiting on tomorrow to be just like the last Waiting on the drugs and waiting on the rape There are some memories you can never escape There is some pain that never goes away Yet there is hope tomorrow will not be like today
© 2008 J.E.M.
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 13, 2008 10:11:36 GMT -5
I think I need a little punctuation or spacing.. It feels like a big block of text and Im having to work to get your rhythm because of it.
I really like that.. You do a great job showing us just how stuck she is.
I was enjoying this part until the word neatness. Why did you choose that word? It feels out of place, but maybe I dont have some background info or missed something.
I can feel your emotion lying under the surface.. But it feels like you put too much work into your rhyme scheme instead of focusing on how you really felt. I hate to see your raw emotion tied back like that.
|
|
|
Post by blutengel666 on Jun 18, 2008 21:13:30 GMT -5
phoenix i totally agree with you, Rhyme scheme is a restriction for so many amazing poets. I find that sacrificing one line of rhyme can make a poem so much more emotional and real. Other then that, I enjoyed this so much...
|
|
wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
|
Post by wkdclwn on Jun 24, 2008 0:34:49 GMT -5
The word neatness was actually used by the friend I was writing this about. She is always an inspiration and loves to read the rhymes so I always try to make the poetry I write with her rhyme. Come to think of it I have not really written free verse or otherwise since maybe my first semester of college. Been a long time. Thank you for your feedback as always. I appreciate it.
|
|