borntodie
Dark Initiate
LIVE, LOVE, BURN, DIE
Posts: 24
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Post by borntodie on Jun 10, 2008 11:08:41 GMT -5
NOTE: I know It's no exactly "artistic", I just needed to get it the h*ll out of my head! So i would appreciate no critique concerning rhymes, etc. Thanks.
as it spins in my head, crushes my peace steals my strength, my stability you offer vain hope the chance for renewal it's so easy, you say but you're ignorant to my flaws you can't see the powerless beast beneath the makeup and smiles
you optimism burns deeper than my own self-pity your pretty words of faith are sharper than than the insults your loving sympathy only a reminder of my mistakes
Take you hand away the damned don't need help save yourself it's so obvious you can't save me You think you're holding me up you're only holding me back keeping me in the smoke when I want to face the flames
I will fall with or without you so damn you're salvation f*ck this redemption
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Post by Dead Moon Child on Jun 10, 2008 11:45:43 GMT -5
This is a really good poem. It can relate to a lot of people. Keep on writing
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Post by 2standalone on Jun 15, 2008 21:48:09 GMT -5
this one spoke to me..i know how it feels . I love your writing- keep it up
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Post by Kitten on Jun 22, 2008 22:17:58 GMT -5
So, if you don't want critique, then what do you want?
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borntodie
Dark Initiate
LIVE, LOVE, BURN, DIE
Posts: 24
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Post by borntodie on Jun 22, 2008 22:58:41 GMT -5
Kitten - "critique concerning rhymes, etc." What I meant by this was: I know it doesn't rhyme, I know it doesn't flow well, and any critique the concerning the structure itself would be pointless. That's all. I apologize for any miscommunication on my end.
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