|
Post by schwabster00 on May 31, 2008 1:18:46 GMT -5
Time passes by so slowly, Consumed, unknowingly. This ignorance is bliss, Awaiting death's last kiss. Lost in translation, Awaiting confirmation. It is my strife, This is my life. My soul yearns for power! To begin a vicious devour, Of a thing called conformity And breaking the laws of gravity. We are not machines. We ARE human beings. We will break these chains, And grab the lion by it's mane. Shackles will break, Leader's we shall make. Death of conformity! Birth of individuality!
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 3, 2008 15:28:38 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star Poetry, schwabster. Sorry for the late reply, we had some pretty serious server issues for the last few days.
Im liking the idea behind this piece, but it feels like you are conforming to your rhyme scheme too much(lol sorry for the bad joke!) In all honesty it does feel a little forced. Id love to see this in free verse.. Just run wild with it and get real creative! Maybe explain how we are not machines? What separates us from them?
|
|
|
Post by lucialee on Jun 10, 2008 11:16:44 GMT -5
I really like this... it's short but effective. I get in this same mood when I have my spells of insomnia... good read.
|
|
wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
|
Post by wkdclwn on Jun 12, 2008 18:07:00 GMT -5
Very nice piece. Makes me think of George Orwell's 1984. War is Peace. Someone is always wanting you to become part of the system. I say it is time for a system overload. Nice idea behind this piece and nice work in my opinion.
|
|
|
Post by angelcdp on Jun 15, 2008 5:22:52 GMT -5
Utter Irony
If that is what you were going for then well done. If not.. wow. Cliche and order are kiiiinda reminiscent of conformity, thereby making this drenched in irony.
|
|
|
Post by 2standalone on Jun 15, 2008 12:20:36 GMT -5
ha i liked this and i hate conformity!
|
|
|
Post by schwabster00 on Jun 15, 2008 16:50:43 GMT -5
angelcdp-- Cliches arent used as often as they used to be. EVeryone is trying so hard to fight them. Therefore by using cliches, it means this poem is a "nonconformist" poem. If I hadnt used any cliches I would have conformed to the way lots of people on this website write poetry.
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jun 15, 2008 20:56:44 GMT -5
If I hadnt used any cliches I would have conformed to the way lots of people on this website write poetry. I think we could go in circles forever with this argument. My question is... Do you like using cliches?
|
|
|
Post by 2standalone on Jun 15, 2008 21:55:59 GMT -5
ha nice
|
|
|
Post by Kitten on Jun 17, 2008 10:27:20 GMT -5
And what's wrong with that? To accept and to use cliches in lieu of thinking creatively and originally, is like choosing to be illiterate just because everyone around you can read.
|
|
|
Post by schwabster00 on Jun 17, 2008 22:06:05 GMT -5
Kitten-- Theres nothing wrong with that, just like theres nothing wrong with using cliches. A bit of an extreme simile for this poem, but choosing to be illiterate would still make you a non-conformist. Whether it's right or wrong.
|
|
|
Post by Kitten on Jun 18, 2008 17:20:01 GMT -5
Well I was being facetious about the conforming to "people on this website". Of course it's fine and it's your choice to write with cliches in order to prove a point that you don't conform. Although it's kind of a mute point because a lot of the things here and everywhere are cliche. And it's not that they're BAD, it's just that they're boring and impersonal and forgettable. I don't know about you but I don't want my work to be associated with that. That's why I think most writers here strive to produce something unique to them and their style so that it will leave an impression on the readers.
|
|
|
Post by Sedative on Jun 27, 2008 13:37:53 GMT -5
This is an awesome poem! I like the rhyme and I wouldn't change it.
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Jun 28, 2008 17:09:05 GMT -5
How about BORING, SINGSONGY, PREACHY,LUKEWARM, and CONFORMIST? There is no punch, bite, wordplay, veiled agenda, or even anything attention grabbing. Sorry - blatantly saying :I'm nonconformist" makes you just as conforming as the rest of your neo-punk-goth generation with no clue. This is supposed to be poetry - it is supposed to inspire and touch the deep recesses of intuition and experience. This piece falls flat.
|
|
|
Post by Swindle Sheet on Oct 24, 2011 23:41:41 GMT -5
I am going to echo black phoenix¡¯s comment. Some of the lines seemed twisted by the rhyme scheme. For example: "Shackles will break, Leader's we shall make." In that line, the structure is nothing new. I mean who hasn't switched up structure for rhyming reasons? However I found that the two ideas did not match. I mean just because a slave is free doesn't mean they are a leader. It looks like you wanted to say one of those lines but had to think about something that rhymed with it. Perhaps if you went off the rhyme scheme in a stanza or two the ending would have been as strong as your beginning.
|
|