|
Post by colourlessthoughts on Dec 10, 2003 15:57:24 GMT -5
(I used the underscores to make space, there are not words missing... It just puts pause where pause belongs)
Losing_________________light dim- er ______i __r_____S_p ___________l out to dissolved _____a ________space black with white lights hinting seeing tomarrow rising over _______today (when I died)
|
|
|
Post by doppelganger on Dec 10, 2003 19:23:29 GMT -5
__________ is uber distracting
and I dont understand this "__r_____S_p ___________l"
|
|
|
Post by colourlessthoughts on Dec 10, 2003 20:38:09 GMT -5
Losing light dim er spiral out to dissolved space black with white lights hinting seeing tomarrow rising over today (when I died)
lifted up to the heavens amongst the stars I can see tomarrow continue on without me because today I died
|
|
|
Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 10, 2003 22:35:13 GMT -5
Much better! If you want to give the impression of a pause, there are far more effective ways to do it than with underscores! Commas work pretty well. Or try this:
To be honest, I don't think you need that many breaks in your writing anyway. It makes it a little too detatched to be comprehendible on a first read. Use words to create the effect, not a lack of them!
|
|
|
Post by lostandalone on Dec 13, 2003 17:08:58 GMT -5
and there may not seam like such a thing but it makes the poem seam too dramatic
|
|
|
Post by colourlessthoughts on Dec 14, 2003 14:43:24 GMT -5
i wouldnt of used underscores at all if you could space. And yes it does make it dramatic, but that is how it was written.
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Dec 15, 2003 0:03:22 GMT -5
yes.. i find the whole spacing thing to be very irritating as well. there is nothing we can do about it until the new proboards 4 comes out. .. hopefully that will be some time soon.
|
|
Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
|
Post by Mistress on Dec 16, 2003 20:15:45 GMT -5
Well, this poem is good, yet horrible at the same time. The meaning beyond it is good, but the structure in general makes me shudder. If you structured it better, it would be MUCH better...
|
|
|
Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 16, 2003 20:20:40 GMT -5
Woah. That was a little harsh. 'Horrible?'
|
|
Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
|
Post by Mistress on Dec 16, 2003 20:25:21 GMT -5
I could have used much worse words, but I felt that it suited. I say it how I see it. I would never degrade someone, but I pointed out that structure is quite bad...
|
|
|
Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 16, 2003 20:38:00 GMT -5
Hmm. Fair enough. Honesty is something I respect.
|
|
Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
|
Post by Mistress on Dec 16, 2003 20:39:49 GMT -5
It's something I also respect and give. I do not lie or cover up things. I am straightfoward and tell things how they are. But this poem really isn't that bad. The structure is just horrible, like I noted before...
|
|
|
Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 16, 2003 20:47:05 GMT -5
Good point. I guess you're forgiven, then! Lol.
|
|
Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
|
Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 14:36:00 GMT -5
I can be a bit critical at times. I'm sorry if my words seem harsh, but I am quite honest. Really, this poem is not bad at all, though...
|
|