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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2007 10:53:14 GMT -5
Farewell terrestrial
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Sept 27, 2007 13:52:07 GMT -5
This feels very much like a journal entry or letter. Could come across more as a poem if you par it down a bit.. Pull out the unneeded words. Maybe break up the lines/spacing a bit too? Personally I couldnt relate to the story and didnt enjoy the subject matter.. But thats all me. Just my taste. Hope that helped a bit, Alpha, I know you wanted a little feedback. Just keep working at it. Eventually the freeverse will come to you naturally and youll find your own flow.
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Post by lazzirus on Oct 4, 2007 14:31:13 GMT -5
I have 3 people close to me who were involved in that fiasco in the middle east. One of them is my younger brother, the other two close friends. I can attest to what the've said & been through. Concernig the above piece: If this is not infact a personal account, then whom ever you are trying to convey with this moderately spiteful emotion, you do no justice to. Poetry with a point must be well executed in order that the readers intelligence is not insullted. -LMS
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Post by DarkenedSoul on Oct 25, 2007 0:14:41 GMT -5
I liked it but It didn't really come across to me as poetry I am 17 I just Graduated Basic Training with the army at Fort Jackson I will soon go to A.I.T. and then Iraq.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 4:35:40 GMT -5
Never got back to this with a comment. I was in Germany recovering from a major injury. So Iam relating my own anger and mental madness during this time. In retrospect I probably should have never posted it. But i probably wrote it to help fight back the pain and confusion that i was suffering. I have completed my seven year tour of duty and that poem helps me remember that life can always get darker. I thank everyone who took the time to read
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Post by twistedangel on Jul 30, 2013 10:24:31 GMT -5
am actually glad you did post it..if it is a kinda 'personal' account then is one of the bravest posts i ever read is it poetic ?..not really does it give me insight into your nightmares ?..again not fully cos i guess like we have all heard many times that you have to have been there to understand it, but it does give us a glimpse maybe one day you can look back at this an work it as a poem..but wotever anyone says about this one thing i dont think anyone can deny is..its got soul personally i loved it
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Post by adamsmiller on Oct 2, 2013 12:54:24 GMT -5
You left yourself exposed, commendable.
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