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Post by Reaper696 on Dec 17, 2003 15:30:54 GMT -5
I was doped into beliving I was cherished By a cherubim, That her southern excrement Was sentiment. She sprinkled fairy dust That was fairly dusty, Suffocating my senses And intoxicating my intuition. She got me high enough To hurt myself Once I regravitiated, How was I to know That her dealings were deviate? This angel had an angle Which wasn't right, I couldn't see The turd amongst all that talcum. Every sprinkling was a set-up, Each line a latent lure To cashing my reality check. A costumed callous Rubbed raw my resignations, My heroine was merely heroin, A simple weed Infiltrating my roots. Now in a rubber-roomed rehab I clear carcinogens once caring, Knowing I almost O.D'd On B.S....
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Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 17, 2003 16:13:27 GMT -5
I think there are a few things you can work on in this poem (for example, "She sprinkled fairy dust that was fairly dusty" just doesn't seem to work), but overall it was a good poem. Some of your other lines were very good (like "Suffocating my senses and intoxicating my intuition"). Besides, practice makes perfect!
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Post by Reaper696 on Dec 18, 2003 15:29:27 GMT -5
What I was trying to convey in that line was "she told me what I wanted to hear and couldn't hear anyone else", but it's open to editing. It's always easier for the home team to translate...
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Post by black jewelled rain on Dec 18, 2003 17:45:17 GMT -5
I understand the meaning behind it, I just thought the wording of that particular line was a little clumsy, but I like the message you're trying to convey. ;D
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somaybeitsme
Dark Initiate
Conformed and Confined, We all bleed with sadness
Posts: 49
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Post by somaybeitsme on Dec 19, 2003 1:27:53 GMT -5
i really like this poem. and i like your choice of words. I espeically like the ending
"Now in a rubber-roomed rehab I clear carcinogens once caring, Knowing I almost O.D'd On B.S...."
great stuff....
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Post by Reaper696 on Dec 20, 2003 15:37:31 GMT -5
I'll see what I can do to it BJR, thanks for reading this somaybeitsme...
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