Flies

[Chrysalis]

I see myself going, going down in flames
don't tell me it's personification
your ridicules are old and withered,
this time the flies are biting
and nipping at the wounds in my eyes,
I hate the hairs on your head I counted,
the years I would buy back if I could.
Funny how you steal the gifts I gave you,
but love to you is secondhand, tightlipped
no longer controlled, controlling bastard
so trash is the word of the day...
overlord of the dump.
Let me set your crown.
Maggot muncher.
Reminders are a bitch...
you should have learned the first time.
Can't wait for you to count the flies.

[littleskinny]

Bitter, with some moments of putrid elegance.

I like "the flies are biting" but not the "wounds in my eyes" - seems a little obvious to me...?

I love the idea behind "hairs oin your head I counted", but the line itself is clumsy...no suggestions though, sorry!!

Best line is "..love to you is secondhand, tightlipped"

Last line is also excellent.

made me think of Roald Dahl's Stig of the Dump though, so I suspect my mindset may be wrong!

[LORDMORNINGSTAR]

Venting, I see... funny thing is how life afords us these little relifes... not much, but some... We only know comfort because we understand, un-comfortable, all to well. Even if I didn't know you, the piece is blatant enough for one to pick out the realative details...and to boot I rather fancied the line "skinny" called into question the follow up line, I saw a corellation betwixt the two, the counting of his hairs, the wishing to get back those years. Seemed an interesting way to echo time.

[Chrysalis]

Ah yes, to take those years back...I am in a tremendously calm, yet vengeful stage of my life...ty both for your insights, I may rework it a tad, I wrote it in the middle of the night, crazy poetic splurge.

[_black phoenix_]

i love the energy in this piece.. such strong emotions.

i too enjoyed the line, "but love to you is secondhand, tightlipped." it definitely stood out.

[ankhkat]

wonderful imagery in this piece.