AxXis
Crimson Soul
I know the pale thing in the darkest of places.
Posts: 218
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Post by AxXis on Nov 20, 2003 1:08:52 GMT -5
If I could kill you, I would. Taste your blood, if I could. I see your eyes, I see your smile, laughing at me, all the while. Rage is my precious, I tend it every hour. For you I'll unleash it, let you feel it's power. I want to see your face, when I have my glory. I may even keep it let IT tell the story. you're not special, different, better, i will consume you and my misery
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Nov 20, 2003 2:02:55 GMT -5
i really like the ideas in this. typo: "your not special" --> youre i think if you played around with how you broke up the lines and added a bit of punctuation it could really help with the flow. i enjoyed this piece, but its rhythm seemed to be lacking. keep it up. i look forward to more.
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AxXis
Crimson Soul
I know the pale thing in the darkest of places.
Posts: 218
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Post by AxXis on Nov 20, 2003 23:41:19 GMT -5
I just kinda wrote this on the spur of the moment. I was setting around thinking about some things and decided to write. I didn't think about changing some things at first, but now that you mention it I may try to play with it a little.
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 20, 2003 16:59:20 GMT -5
Great emotion, but not so great of a poem overall. The structure is decent, but the rhyme scheme needs a lot of work. If you went back and went over it, I'm sure you could make it much better...
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AxXis
Crimson Soul
I know the pale thing in the darkest of places.
Posts: 218
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Post by AxXis on Dec 20, 2003 19:55:58 GMT -5
This was more of a vent than anything. When my mind gets rolling I just try to write and usually I come back to it some other time.
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Mistress
Demon Disciple
Eternally Damned
Posts: 405
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Post by Mistress on Dec 22, 2003 23:15:43 GMT -5
I know what you mean on that. Most people tend to use writing as a way to vent. I do most of the time...
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