|
Post by gravedancer on Feb 7, 2005 1:45:53 GMT -5
Ivory Stars
Monolithic figures now falleN Fall so gracefullY Denied wings after so long crawlinG Crawl so slowlY Arrogance now sought afteR After another fashioN Your find me in the rafterS Gazing apon the ivory oneS Apon the ivory stairS Apon the ivory chairS
InvocatioN
The figures have fadeD Forgotten so easilY Denied night after so long of daY Days so enthralleD Freedom now thought oF After more fashioN Your find me near the crafteD Gazing apon the ivory oneS Apon the ivory starS Apon the ivory scarS
InvocatioN
Change is questioneD Doomsday now demandeD In the ivory scaleS Stay slanteD Ideas of fashioN Are now planteD I wish apon the ivory starS My wish not GranteD
InvocatioN
|
|
|
Post by Yossarian on Feb 7, 2005 9:21:50 GMT -5
watch your spelling...and what's with the capitalized letter at the end of each line? they were distracting...
|
|
|
Post by Seventy Times Seven on Feb 11, 2005 20:35:09 GMT -5
it was good, but big words confuse me the thing that really attracted me was the title
|
|
|
Post by _black phoenix_ on Feb 12, 2005 16:23:44 GMT -5
big words.. where? maybe a dictionary would be a good idea? its difficult to understand a piece of writing if you dont understand integral words. i really enjoyed this, gravedancer. ive been unable to leave feedback for a few days.. i keep circling back to this piece, re-reading it. may i ask why you capitalized the last letter of each line? i dont think ive seen that done before. the style of this piece is different from most that i read.. i like the way that you break up your thoughts/ideas.. short lines are always more effective for me. strong writing. i hope that more feedback is left on this piece.. its definitely more deserving than what has been posted so far.
|
|
Daemonized
Crimson Soul
There are noises in the dark ... the owners of which ... are better not to behold
Posts: 138
|
Post by Daemonized on Feb 12, 2005 18:58:46 GMT -5
Apart from the nitty gritty of a bit of bad spelling (which don't bother me enough to put me off reading it), this is an awesome song. By the second time I read it, I had a tune buzzing through my head for it.
"Monolithic figures now falleN Fall so gracefullY Denied wings after so long crawlinG"
good strong 'bang you're in' start. The only I would say is lacking is a good chorus ... fill that in and put it to music .... wow. f*cking wicked GraveDancer.
(p.s - my attempt at a chorus ... )
"Invocation never received my salvation I'm still damned and broken Invocation never gonna be perfected"
something like that maybe ....
|
|
|
Post by gravedancer on Feb 14, 2005 2:58:41 GMT -5
thanks for all the feedback
"Invocation never received my salvation I'm still damned and broken Invocation never gonna be perfected"
i i may add that
the reason i did that capitalized thing was because i havent seen it done before
|
|
|
Post by Yossarian on Feb 14, 2005 9:12:09 GMT -5
:shockedface: ummm...okay...
|
|
Anita
Demon Disciple
Take The Hurt To The Core Of My Heart and Feel it Bleeding, Pounding,Coming Apart.
Posts: 327
|
Post by Anita on Feb 25, 2005 12:41:06 GMT -5
Damn good, and the addition is really perfect for an ending.
|
|