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Offroad
Oct 16, 2004 21:27:53 GMT -5
Post by Yossarian on Oct 16, 2004 21:27:53 GMT -5
Slam the door Run outside Climb in the truck With nothing to hide
but best of all, we're finally free and you're with me
It's over... it's over, and we're
Offroad again doing everything that's a sin Screw the ethics Screw your rules Screw everything that you learned in school 'Cause we're Offroad again
I'm in the front seat Writing a song My best friend's in the back seat Playing along But best of all you're next to me Singing quietly
We're gone We're gone Now we're
Offroad again Doing everything that's a sin Screw your morals Screw your rules Screw everything that you learned in school Cause we're Offroad again Offroad again!
Maybe it's because I've read this so many times, but it seems to me that I've got tons of cliches in here....some help please!
Thanx.
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Offroad
Oct 16, 2004 21:31:20 GMT -5
Post by Kitten on Oct 16, 2004 21:31:20 GMT -5
It's just cheesy
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Offroad
Oct 16, 2004 21:34:30 GMT -5
Post by Yossarian on Oct 16, 2004 21:34:30 GMT -5
LOL
I know ;D
Suggestions?
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Offroad
Oct 16, 2004 21:43:50 GMT -5
Post by Kitten on Oct 16, 2004 21:43:50 GMT -5
I'm not real sure how poetry differs from lyrics, unless here you already have a preset tune in your head and you're following the flow....but what I would try to do with this poem is go deeper or first realize what are you talking about here. Seems like the "offroad" here is just the setting, and the major theme is of you with this person being together and -free-. Well explore the setting some more, get rid of the best friend and add in more descriptives of -object of affection- and how you feel. Also the repetition of "screw ..." just screams juvinile to me. But then again you do mention the school, so this basically attempts to be a straight up a teen rebellion but it's not very effective in my opinion. Also doing everything that's sin...hinting at the influence of religion and again, points to rebelion against authority (school, church, parents?) aka teen years.
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Offroad
Oct 17, 2004 16:05:21 GMT -5
Post by Addrienne on Oct 17, 2004 16:05:21 GMT -5
*nods* Kitten took the words right out of my mouth, although I'm cool with the "Screw..." repitition gig. Good job, though.
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