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Post by _black phoenix_ on Sept 3, 2003 3:28:12 GMT -5
demons sludge through the darkness, hunting for the most putrid of creatures. -tiny things of magic- black, gnarled bodies thrash through the foilage, breaking anything that comes in their way. they search endlessly for the agile and delicate creatures. so weak. so fragile. so good. .. so disgusting. sugarcoated pixies dance through the moonbeams, twisting and twirling in the light. their hair flows through the air like pristine waterfalls. they rejoice in natures splendor. they revel in the beauty of their surroundings. and abruptly the music stops. the air becomes thick. darkness has enclosed the tiny gathering. eyes blink threatengly. surrounded. naked bodies flutter through darkening leaves, frantically searching for escape.. .. but there is none. a blanket of evil shrouds the noise. silence. and more silence. the leaves begin to curl, turning from a luscious and healthy green so a sicly crimson red. silence. blood dries splattered upon the grass. the demons stalk away with smiles and pixie wings upon their lips. _______ ___________ i think i might make a few changes to this piece.. any suggestions are welcome! thanks for reading
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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 5, 2003 8:43:19 GMT -5
Again, I would rethink the structure of the poem. It seems a little disjointed as I read it through. There are places, however, where I think this technique has worked well. For example, when you say:
they rejoice in natures splendor. they revel in the beauty of their surroundings.
and
abruptly the music stops.
Also, check the spelling of words such as "foilage". I know it's probably a typing error, so it's something that's easily missed. I do it all the time!
I did like the ending of this poem. You're just left with an image of these creatures munching on litle faeries with the wings still hanging out the side of the mouth. A very dark Gothic poem. You handled the subject matter well.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Oct 5, 2003 14:16:31 GMT -5
thanks a lot for the constructive crit, rain.
honestly, i dont put much thought into structure at all. i just space things out how i would say them.
just curious.. how would you structure the poem if you could without changing the words?
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Post by jyrascarn on Oct 8, 2003 10:11:26 GMT -5
The fairytale bites its tail and swallows it?! Great stuff, Black. I thoroughly enjoyed your poem and think it coheres into a convincing sequence, even though the spaces between some of the lines may appear to create the impression of disjointedness. But hey, we're talking about freeverse, aren't we? And in this respect I find the result admirable and highly effective. So, let's storm the gates of the fairy kingdom we showered with petals in our infancy - and let the demons prosper!
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Oct 8, 2003 13:42:13 GMT -5
MOAHAHAHAHA!!! awesome.. im happy that you liked my poem thanks a lot for the feedback jyrascarn.
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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 16, 2003 9:55:09 GMT -5
I understand that the breaks a part of the effectiveness and that you write it how you would say it. I wouldn't change a whole lot about it. Perhaps, rather than have a whole new stanza (which is especially not done for a single line), it would be just was effective giving it a lone of its own but still keeping it within a stanza. ;D
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