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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 5, 2003 8:49:30 GMT -5
I have no life. I have no control. All I have is an Eternal damned soul. I need to get out. I'm on the brink. I’m living in hell. I feel myself sink. Down my cheek rolls Black poisoned tears. I’m strangled to death By irrational fears. I think I'm insane. Watch my blood pour. I’m all cut up. I can't take this anymore. I’m always alone, locked in my room. There I lie dead, In my chosen tomb. Now the tears come, like never before. My limp cold body Covered in blood and gore.
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Post by _black phoenix_ on Oct 5, 2003 14:27:53 GMT -5
your rhythm was awesome until that last line, "covered in blood and gore." i think that there was maybe one too many sylables and it broke your flow. im not too sure if its a big enough thing to even fix, i jsut thought that i would point it out if you hadnt noticed. other than that, it was really good. thanks for sharing, i enjoy reading your work.
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Post by jyrascarn on Oct 14, 2003 4:49:12 GMT -5
You certainly don't beat about the bush, do you? How about meeting me in Hell some time? There's this incredibly spooky dive ...
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Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 14, 2003 5:45:25 GMT -5
Hmm...I agree about the rhythm. I hadn't noticed that until you pointed it out. It's ashame, because I liked what it said. It just doesn't fit! lol. And you are all welcome to join me in hell anytime...
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