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alcohol
Jul 29, 2003 20:50:43 GMT -5
Post by Sera on Jul 29, 2003 20:50:43 GMT -5
alcohol fills the sockets of your eyes dark pools maudlin lakes tunneling your pain mining your sorrow entering my brain.
as you run your word fingers down the blackness behind my spine, an alphabet of animals press down my rib cage.
i am drowning in looking for the source, needing the head waters.
you make a puzzle of my womb paste me into your cave save me to the ceiling of your underworld pin me to the walls of your despair.
you show me a solemn procession of gut and blood and bone. you show me life and death.
following the creeks of your pain, in the watershed, you open my heart and leave a mark in my belly.
open me, river me, do what you want.
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alcohol
Jul 30, 2003 3:17:41 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on Jul 30, 2003 3:17:41 GMT -5
mm.. you have such a way with words! an incredible piece.. really. my favourite part was "an alphabet of animals press down my rib cage." i love your style. thank you so much for sharing. i enjoyed it much. -leash _black phoenix_ p.s. this is definately dark enough. oh, and dont worry too much about fitting the poetry topics perfectly.
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mud
Dark Initiate
Posts: 17
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alcohol
Jul 31, 2003 14:38:52 GMT -5
Post by mud on Jul 31, 2003 14:38:52 GMT -5
whoa.........im not quite sure wat to say.........chilling piece, i enjoyed it immensly...
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Post by Sera on Aug 2, 2003 9:28:33 GMT -5
thank you _black phoenix_ for the invite, for your kind words...
mud amazing how one can enjoy 'chilling', huh?thank you for you comment
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alcohol
Oct 16, 2003 9:34:30 GMT -5
Post by black jewelled rain on Oct 16, 2003 9:34:30 GMT -5
Hmm...I really like some of the ideas that you bring into play in this piece. However, I feel that you tried to make things too obvious. You don't need to spell things out. Make the reader WORK at figuring out what you're trying to say!
For example, when you said 'word fingers'. I wouldn't have handed it to my reader on a plate, although the idea itself is very good. Just a little something to think about. ;D
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