Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 4, 2019 15:27:26 GMT -5
I'm not sure why I'm bothering to write this. Maybe I feel a need to sum up my life and leave some record behind. Maybe it is my paternal instincts that make me wish to leave some helpful advice. Maybe I miss this place and wish to explain why I'm not here anymore and why my poetry turned so dark. I still look in but I don't log in. I don't get PMs from anyone anymore. Maybe I'm still hopeful that if I stay here just a little longer someone will listen to my heart and care. Maybe it is the new psych drugs f*cking with a lost mind that has nothing better to do. Whatever it is I know it is futile.
The friend zone;
It isn't a place you ever want to be guys. What I wanted was a friend who was my lover. There is no such thing. In fact, I no longer believe any real friendship is possible between the sexes. We are too adversarial in our difference and consummate liars to boot. What you do is tolerate each other because you need each other for lust. Love is too unselfish. I always insisted on getting to know a woman before going to bed. I can't just hop in bed. I need to feel something more than basic needs or it is just mutual masturbation. That leaves me with mixed emotions and still lonely.
I made a lot of mistakes, because I'm a stubborn fool, but the worst mistake of my life was something I honestly have no choice about. I've slept with, made love to, had sex with, or whatever you want call it, I have known a total of five different women in my entire 55 years. It only took one for me to discover something very important about myself. All those sappy lies about "The One," about my wife who is also my best friend, about sharing our life together, about building together our own slice of heaven on earth, not only appealed to me, they have always been the only goal in life worthy of pursuit. Everything else could wait. Life will start when I begin to walk through it with my friend. I never bought a house because I never had the makings of a home. I would have moved anywhere she wished to live.
The sustenance of life always came easy for me. Food, shelter, entertainment, social friends, I found in abundance. When I need money, I know how to work for it, earn it, barrow it, bla, bla, f*cking mundane day to day struggles. Not a problem.
Going to bed alone every evening of your life is a problem. Living every day for love and having no more than that offered by your birth family is not living. It's enough to survive on but there is nothing new and no growth. Your branches have been limbed. You are dead to the world and an unmarried older man with no children carries the stigma of unreliable and odd.
"I love you" comes too easy for all of us. We say it all the time and don't really mean anything by it. I know because every time I call a "friend" on it, they run for the hills.
Oh god no! Anything but a nice guy (a label you gave me and not self appointed) and real dedicated love. I might have to try to live up to something and be responsible for someone besides my selfish self. That is how you really think. It's the only thing that explains why I'm so soundly rejected and why you women are always bitching about your cheating, unappreciative, wife beating bad boys. That is the way you want it. It allows your denial process to make excuses for your bad decisions. I know, it's not like you have a lot of options when it comes to responsible fatherly types of men, but that makes me even more confused. I should be a hot item.
What you call romance I call an expression of lust. It leads to immediate gratification, and settling for less than what you know to be right. It's worse than that. You don't want equality, you want to be coursed. You insist on being tricked into sex and somewhere along the way you expect to fall in love. Nice guys love honestly, we can't course you into anything you don't really want to do. That is why we end up with sluts. They actually want sex and know it. The problem with sluts is that they appreciate and respect nothing and no one. So, we die alone. It is an ass-backwards world we have made. You'll never be satisfied because you think too small and aren't determined enough to self sacrifice for the greater of anything. You need your excuses because you know how wrong you are.
"Friends come and go."
"No one has a real friend."
"You can't trust anything that bleeds each month and doesn't die."
"It is easier for an intelligent person to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for them to be happy in this world." ~ a quote from somebody smart and famous who I no longer care enough to look up.
I heard all the warnings but I'm human. A very large part or our psychological makeup is denial. I ignored that warning too. I had to. I bet on love and I wasn't given a choice.
I lost. The question now is; does that mean my life is forfeit? I can't live without love and I can't find it. I give every chance I get, and then some, but it is unrequited, unanimously. I know nothing of the nurturing nature of women. Only fair weather friendship. I'm good for a crying shoulder and when you need a man to rebuild your self esteem but beyond that not one of you ever had a thought or feeling for me. NOT EVEN ONE!. How can I learn to live with that? Please, tell me, it could save my life.
There is a particular kind of woman I have looked for all my life. We share a value that she honors and cherishes so much that she actually lives her entire life by it. I think of it as the "rules of the heart" but this particular concept that I fully embrace seems allusive to human thought. We make stabs at naming it with broad concepts such as "The One" that means something different to everyone and a clinical definition really doesn't exist unless you count codependence. Codependence might be the best fitting description but look at how it has all those negative connotations attached to it today. They are actually trying to teach us that relying on another person is unhealthy. Given my new found truths there may be something to that. It doesn't matter to me in the least. I am who I am and it isn't that I'm unwilling to change. I hope that any encouragement will take me back to the jocular nice guy I was.
Anyway, like me she believes in love, but more than that, she believes in a love that "is" a lifetime. I've actually found a few and they are always very strong and stubborn women, very much like myself, and determined to make it, whatever "it" happens to be, work for her and all she loves. They do exist but they are very rare.
The only one I've found in more than twenty years used to call this place home too. She called me her friend for more than ten years. She doesn't come here anymore. I haven't heard from her in three years now. She reads her email but doesn't answer. After speaking to me of suicide she quit writing and is now playing dead, broken, and unresponsive. I'm so horrible she wants me to believe she did suicide. This world broke her. I was there for her when it happened but all my love, the love of a nice guy she called her friend, could not save her or make any difference in her life at all. All she wanted from me was my shoulder. I gladly played that part all my life, when I thought it was appreciated and might lead to something deep between us. I would have gladly done so again for her, but now... never again for anyone. It always ends in "I love you" being proven a lie. She still loves only her bad boy. The highest crime possible in my book. I can't help but get mad about it. To temporarily gain favorer with that lie is cruel. No, a crying shoulder is a dead end for saps, losers, and nice guys who wish to die alone. We become the enabler. Just let her suffer alone and maybe she will come through it with a different perspective. It's her only hope of improving her decision making process. I'm here if you ever decide you want me but I no longer wish to be your friend. I want a friend but I f*cking need a lover. But. I'll never trust a woman again.
That is where the real cruelty lies. To be born into a world with unavoidable needs that must be met for any semblance of what we call a happy and healthy life, not to mention sanity, but this world doesn't provide. It seems as though it isn't even allowed. It drives us insane. I live in a world that rewards bad behavior and punishes good.
I can't force you to love me. It must be given freely to mean anything. Why is it that so much of life and love is unrequited? Answer; Entitled, selfish, and unappreciative, every last human on earth. Most of us are incredibly lazy too.
We all turn to someone. She has a history of loving the bad boys so I've no doubt she turned to yet another bad boy. I believe she had one picked out already. Women always do. You can't be alone for even a day, so eager to begin you're next hell. If you where alone for awhile you might look around a bit with a clear head and make a good decision.
Well, life is short. It'll be over soon, love. I hope you find something you need before it is.
I believe it is genetic, a "fatal" flaw in the human genome. We are de-evolving because women only allow the worst and most aggressive, avaricious, and selfish men to propagate. Our denial allows us to believe we are evolving into better creatures. We arrogantly flaunt our ability to think and reason while we die and kill over the contradictions our reasoning creates. We don't look for the root of the problem because it will lead to real questions that test our denial. It is more fun and profitable to deal with the issues we refuse to solve. It is easier to say it is just sad and walk away, thankful it wasn't us this time. We are careless. We try to cover up the symptoms and ignore the roots of the problems. Always getting by and never working or even waiting for what we know to be better in the long run. Nope, gota' have it now, and damn the consequences.
I can't believe you are all fine with that. It is literally killing me.
Are we getting any better?
As a society becomes wealthy we have more freedom to do as we please. We can better afford our whims and survive doing it. We no longer spend all day trying to survive. We are not hungry or desperate for anything, except companionship. That is why we all have dogs. They make better companions than humans. Always happy to see us and lavish us with attention while giving us a purpose. And they suffer greatly for being our best friend. Often neglected and abused in horrible ways.
We take everything as granted. We see what others have and become entitled to it because we will always want more than we already have. We are not directly dependent on each other for anything anymore. That allows us the freedom to be who we really want to be. The first thing we lost was the family unit but we are still very much tribal. Go figure!
This same genetic flaw is glaringly evident in what we call romance today. There is nothing romantic about trying to get laid but that is all you women will except. Oh I hear you protest but it is the truth. I see the cheesiest lines work on you all the time. Sweet nothings that you know will mean nothing tomorrow morning always work on you. If I even whisper of forever it sends you screaming; "CREEP!"
I'm not a bad looking guy. If I want to get laid all I have to do is ask. As long as it is obvious there are no ties and it's just for fun. I'm supposed to bounce from one partner to the next without a care until I find one that gets stuck with me? Really, that is the way you all want it? And, when I do find an exception, she won't talk to me. I'm too real. Too dangerous. Too creepy. f*ck you all. I'm not your f*cking baby daddy. I would have called any child my own but you are too selfish to share anything.
I thought it might get better when we turned 40 but you never learn.
I must have been branded with a scarlet letter. I can't see it, I'd burn the f*cker off if I could find it, but it has gotten worse. When I turned 40 I began to get desperate. I dropped all my rules and went looking for any girlfriend at all. Well, I do have some standards I can't go below. Druggies, sluts, angry bitches, control freaks, and fat pigs or off limits for me. Seems to be 90% of American women today. I've had one 20 day relationship since then. I must be the worst man ever but if I ask what the problem is I get nothing. It's always something along the lines of, "You are a good man and will make some woman very happy some day." Yah, just not you or today. Kick the can down the road. By all rights I should be a murderous psychopath. It's really to bad I don't get off on that shit. It is what you deserve (a mercy killing) and would give me something to live for.
I rung in the new year by telling the only woman I have fallen in love with at all in more than twenty years, despite the fact that we never met and I never really knew her, to f*ck off and die. If I wanted to hurt her I would have spoken of her son but I didn't mention him at all though I did wish to express my condolences again. She stopped talking to me right after my mother died, when I really could have used a feminine influence and a girl "friend." All I had was her. Says a lot about me I suppose.
In her defense she was dealing with a cheating husband, her first born son died, and life as she knew it was over. She needed a friend as much if not more than I do. I would think friends would be easy for us. It probably would have been if I hadn't told her just how much I wanted, needed, and loved her. As long as it really meant nothing "I love you" was pleasing. If I even suggest making it something real, poof, they are gone. She was just another fair weather friend. The only kind that this world has to offer anyone. No, that isn't true. We are capable of great friendships. There are three men, including my father, that would die for me and I for them. All men. That just makes it worse. To know it is possible among humans, just not for me and a woman.
Some of you will know who I'm speaking of. You will no doubt hate me for what I did. She is so very lovable. A truly fine example of woman. Go ahead, I hate me for it too. It is all wrong, I admit that, but it's the first time I've ever taken the initiative and took anything like closure for my f*cking self. It took almost three years of silence before I would admit she just doesn't give a shit and never will. I never gave up on anyone before. The worst part of it that it didn't help me and I feel even worse. I still need to talk, I need to know why, and I still need her love. But, I'm old, tired, and done. It took all of you to do it but you broke me too.
Not even one.
I never got closure from any woman. My breakups never involved a big fight or anything like that, except with Pam, and you couldn't call that a fight. Just lots of emotion and tears. Women don't call me an asshole or tell me to f*ck off, they just stop talking and avoid me. They just don't call me, unless they have some other asshole to cry about and need a boost of self esteem. Then it is back to the bad boy for more beating and abuse. I'm not your f*cking hanky either. f*ck you.
I don't come here anymore because I no longer wish to be remembered. I realize now that most of what I posted here was for her in one way or another. I was far too open and honest to explain my time here any other way. I wanted her to get to know me. She seemed so different. I enjoyed talking to her so much I though that maybe she could love me, eventually. Hell of a thing to hang your hopes on, a married woman. Still, any level of real friendship is appreciated. Unfortunately divorce always reshuffles the deck and friends fall to the wayside for various reasons, like picking sides. Still, I gave her no reason to quit talking to me. Well, I did tell her I love her.
She was obviously the hart of Dark Star. All I see is dust and tumble weeds here now. It's sad, so everyone walked away.
I once heard that a woman decides if she wants to sleep with a man within just a few minuets of meeting him. I didn't believe it but it would explain a lot. Snap decisions are never good ones. But, this leaves every honest lover out of the game. Nice guys don't finish last. We are not allowed to participate. We need to get to know you a bit first. By this rule you will never find a good man. You are way to impatient. Too lazy to get invested before sex. You will never find love that way, just lust. But, you are all ok with that.
If you dispute my ranting than good for you. Your denial is well in place. Keep it up. You are going to need it.
A few words of advice on that; do NOT pursue the truth and don't bet your life on love. Avoid psychology classes if you can. You should probably attend church too. Lots of affirmations there to feed your denial.
I love my father dearly but he is in his late 80s and doesn't have much time left. I need to find another reason to live before he passed on. It isn't going well and I'm suicidal. I'm just trying to outlive the one person who would miss me.
I look for help on line. I talk to a local counselor. I read and listen to a lot of stories and advice about how to get over being lonely, being a loser, and starting over. I guess I'm not really a loser though. These situations and stories don't resemble mine in any way. The advice is always about how to get it together. Stop being late for work, spend time with your kids, stop doing drugs, and own up to your faults while drawing a dividing line between your past and today. I've always held a job. I don't do drugs and I don't have any kids. That is the problem, I have no past to draw a line between. One thing that does apply is that I feel like an unlovable loser. They say to look myself in the mirror and say I am worthy of receiving the love I am willing to give. I always look in the mirror but I'm not in the habit of talking to myself. Anyway, I can't do it. Oh I believe it well enough but this life has taught me differently. I denied it as long as I could. The only thing that can help me now is honest encouragement from a loving woman. That is something I have never gotten from any woman. I don't want to hear about how much you're friends love tall and sensitive men. I need to hear how YOU want to hold my hand. Stop kicking the can down the road.
Imagine, going through your entire life with no real encouragement of any kind from a member of the opposite sex. I've had dozens of women cry on my shoulder. Some of them repeatedly for many years. I encouraged it because I'm empathetic and I actually care. And, I'm not, or was not, a misogynist. I really do love you all but, who's shoulder do I cry on? You all left me behind when I made my advances and I can't even talk to my father about all this, the one person who actually cares. It would hurt him.
Any care or advice you have to offer will always be appreciated. If you wish to tell me what a load of self serving crap this is that is fine too. Just be sure to present your proof. You see, I lost the bet, I may be dead soon, and I know very well how wrong I am.
~ The biggest loser