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Rapture
Aug 24, 2016 9:54:53 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by BolvineEradicator on Aug 24, 2016 9:54:53 GMT -5
In a valley of broken hopes
Lives the blind man with no conviction
Cursed to witness rapture through void scopes
These depressions echo the final drubbing heart beats of a mother blessed with eviction
Sorry if it's too short or garbage or both. This is my first legit poem so roast me if you have to. Just keep to constructive roasting
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Rapture
Sept 10, 2016 3:34:42 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Sept 10, 2016 3:34:42 GMT -5
at first glance I thought WTF they wanna kill all cows For!!!...Bovine not Bovine...oops anyways Hiya, an soz we all been a bit crap at absolutely everything at the mo OK poem...I liked it ☺, reckon it could be tidied up a little but nothing major Ie
In valley's of broken hopes (erm or wotever the plural of valley is) Live blind men with no conviction L3 all good ☺ These depression echo final drubbing hearts of mothers blessed with eviction
These a lot of members here far betterer than meself to crit this, but I have tried to cut out some IMO needless words...like L4 a drubbing heart would suggest it's already a beating one?
☺
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Rapture
Nov 7, 2016 16:16:25 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by _black phoenix_ on Nov 7, 2016 16:16:25 GMT -5
I enjoyed it, diction worked well together. The rhythm or way you broke up the lines reads a little awkwardly but thats easily adjusted. Have you tried reading this piece out loud? That would probably show you any rhythm adjustments youd like.
What do you mean by void scopes?
Thanks for the read.
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