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Post by Aish on Jul 13, 2016 23:54:59 GMT -5
Deep in the solstice sky behind backbone webbed ether undulates
I dig in up to my elbows, rocking with the motion.
Suns diffuse into stars sutures dissolve into scars winking pinpricks where God drug her nails
Am I planting, or am I mining?
Corpuscles sluicing wisdom shudders and gives birth, dying in the same instant.
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Dig
Jul 15, 2016 0:20:19 GMT -5
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 15, 2016 0:20:19 GMT -5
I'm having a little trouble with S3, L1. Suns and stars are basically the same thing. As is, it gives me a sense of moving away but I don't think that is what you're going for. Perhaps something like; "Suns diffuse into dust" or "Stars grow cold."
I love the ending. On the surface this reminds me of the octopus that dies as her children are born but focusing on "wisdom" as the mother this ends in a profound conundrum. Very nice word choices.
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Jul 15, 2016 16:43:20 GMT -5
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Post by Aish on Jul 15, 2016 16:43:20 GMT -5
Yes, suns and stars are the same thing. It's the perception that is different. We don't look at the suns in the sky, we look at stars. The sky as we see it mutes them. In my head as I was writing, the two lines together had kinship, plus there is a repetitious quality to them. The overall piece has an inner vs outer theme that contrasts, at least the way I see it. Macrocosm/microcosm superimposed on each other. If it's not working I'll toy with it a little.
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Jul 15, 2016 20:34:37 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 15, 2016 20:34:37 GMT -5
"If it's not working I'll toy with it a little." -
No. I think it does work and it's really clever. I did get the perception change thing but the next line pulled my thoughts in a progression direction witch fit in a different way. The astrophysicist in me didn't like the repetitive wording. I suspect my intellect balked a bit at the concept too. LOL
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Jul 16, 2016 20:39:52 GMT -5
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Post by Aish on Jul 16, 2016 20:39:52 GMT -5
That's one problem I tend to have reading as well. Logic and knowledge can sometimes get in the way when reading something not meant to be literal. I don't much care for such stumbling blocks and I fear this piece will fail because of the way I chose to put those lines in.
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Jul 17, 2016 1:29:07 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 17, 2016 1:29:07 GMT -5
"I fear this piece will fail because of the way I chose to put those lines in." - I don't think it failed but I get what you mean. It requires thought. I stumbled on it because it made me think. I'm getting slow. My first impression of the first line was correct but I allowed the second line to interfere with that interpretation and tried to change it till I thought more on it. I see that as my issue not the writers. Now that I have read it a few times I really like the strophe. I thought about moving the lines around to avoid that but they only work as is.
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Jul 17, 2016 2:08:00 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jul 17, 2016 2:08:00 GMT -5
The reader completes the process - it is less about my intent (though that does count), and more about how the reader takes it. We all have a different background of experiences to pull from and each will internalize differently, but that is why input is so important to me. I want to know how the piece is coming across.
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Jul 17, 2016 16:20:27 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 17, 2016 16:20:27 GMT -5
" We all have a different background of experiences to pull from and each will internalize differently, but that is why input is so important to me. I want to know how the piece is coming across." - It will be a bit different for each reader. This feels like a soul write to me. Perfect the first time. An expression from the soul that reflects so deeply that our intellect struggles with it. Not easily understood, accepted, or put into words. Even the extra blank line holds meaning, beyond the fact that it is a transition, that is not easily seen and means something just a bit different for each of us. The ending most certainly does. It's life, death, and birth with a give and take bent. The journey from cradle to grave is different for each of us and this applies to our ideas and beliefs as well. They are born and when they die it is painful. Extra thanks for sharing this one Aish.
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Post by Aish on Sept 9, 2016 23:27:29 GMT -5
Wrote this days before my world exploded. Maybe it's important to internalize it at this point for me, but I'm unable to connect with it or where it came from.
I will fix the line breaks and tinker with it soon as I can. You guys are always appreciated.
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Sept 10, 2016 3:01:52 GMT -5
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Post by twistedangel on Sept 10, 2016 3:01:52 GMT -5
Sun's diffuse into stars...for meself is like when your looking at nothing inparticular but everything at once...an it ties well to the inner/outer contemplation
I see somone maybe trying to think of a 1001 things all at once, answers an conclusions all melting an interweaving that in the end becomes as jumbled an as unclear as the stars themselves...maybe 😕
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