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Post by twistedangel on May 25, 2016 4:20:34 GMT -5
With eyes stinging I cast our last dream-song ejaculated vestiges of cracked soprano Faultering as our shared salt burnt earth
Once with genial smiles run freely toward simple joys alas we are children no more Dawning truth set sardonic faces weary life worn battle hard
Sanctuary sought within our secret set carving our names upon granite Only this truth will stand for the vanquished write not history
Yesterday at our best let no more tomorrows fade us World shall find us soon enough supped upon pressed foxglove Embraced eternally
Untainted
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Pure
May 25, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on May 25, 2016 17:58:16 GMT -5
I love your opening, awesome sexy undertones. I'll come back later for more. I want to read it again anyway. I have a killer head cold and can't seem to think or sleep well.
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May 29, 2016 13:05:57 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on May 29, 2016 13:05:57 GMT -5
I do like this one. It has that forsaken feeling and an innocence lost to no good purpose one too. S3, L4 – Not could be “no”. “Not” has a story telling feel where “no” makes it a somber statement and counterpoint to the previous lines. S4, L3 – I had a couple suggestions that read easier but on further reflection I think your choice of words works best. Your ending is pleasantly unexpected. Nightshade is the more popular choice with a very different meaning though. Foxglove is known for its effects on the heart. A heart medicine. Connected with “untainted” I come away with the perfect love idea. Otherwise, untainted becomes confusing as it counters the innocence lost feel previously made. As is it expands on “Sanctuary sought within our secret set” very nicely. Thanks for sharing
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May 31, 2016 2:58:09 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on May 31, 2016 2:58:09 GMT -5
@ spiritscar cheers somthing I'll have to watch in the future to @ LF yeah I see your point, wos kinda hoping to tell of running before it wos to late...but also keeping it with as little wording as I possibly could
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