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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 23, 2016 13:29:21 GMT -5
V2 I long for warmth sentenced to between winds rivers - tears drifting in and out of dark corners between passion stars where cold is as intimate as time and charts warn; Dragons be here
and I am the only...
LF ________________________________________ V1 I long for warm tears Rejected outcast sentenced to be between
Water pushed by winds of heat craved Out between our passions -our stars- in dark cold corners of abyss where charts warn Dragons be here
Come all ye intrepid mount fiery steed and come
The abyss is cold I am the only and I long for your tears
Lonelyforsaken
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Post by twistedangel on May 23, 2016 14:03:56 GMT -5
And you tell me off for the over use of "the" lol...vengeance is mine am wondering if one of the "warmth" couldn't be changed to 'heat' just to avoid word repetition? Maybe "pushed by a/this heat I crave" Also I'd use 'chart' rather than "map" and even change "your" to 'thee' to fit with the kinda old English phrase "Here be monsters/dragons" There's somthing sinister in this, almost vampyric, lurking in the dark places like some funnel web spider Sharp imagery, but sends me a chill down the spine to
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 23, 2016 16:03:44 GMT -5
"Sharp imagery, but sends me a chill down the spine to” – Thanks. That’s what I was kind of going for. I just threw it up. I haven’t posted in so long I broke all my rules and just barfed when the inspiration hit me. LOL It’s inspired by Veritas’s infinite well of tears; to give credit where credit is due. I’ll do a little editing now. I didn’t expect a comment so fast. There was a Star Trek episode where the adults all died of a plague and only a few children were left on the planet. They called themselves “The Onlys” and I thought that was the title of the episode but Google says; “Nope!” try again. Recently science has begun to believe there is a lot more water-ice in the depths of space than we supposed. It plays a bigger part in the development of solar systems than we thought because most of it gets pushed outside the solar system in early development, possibly while it is still an accretion disk even. Water is a very strange element. It doesn’t act like other forms of matter and almost all of it is in-between the stars as ice. An infinite well of frozen tears.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 2, 2016 23:03:55 GMT -5
Yes. Miri was the episode. It took me awhile to find it. Yah, I kicked it around a little a couple days ago. There is a lot I don’t like about it but I don’t seem to like anything I have written for quite awhile now. Thanks Spiritscar. I like some of your suggestions and have decided to use at least one part already. But, not today. I’m really tired right now. I did notice that you said; “self-sentenced to limbo” but I hope it is clear that this exile is not self imposed. In fact the heart of the thought is of the solar winds that inexorably push the tears to the darkest and coldest regions of space to be alone.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jun 8, 2016 1:04:29 GMT -5
LOL I bet Sheldon Cooper would get it. The funny thing is that I always was a nerd and a jock. I've always written something but I've never kept a diary. I still write short stories. I never seem to finish them anymore though. Hmmmmm. Feel like I should take a stab at this one since I'm here but I just don't have it in me tonight. I really don't like the way I ended it.
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