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Post by twistedangel on May 15, 2016 9:25:10 GMT -5
I wish to lie with ancestors Alas I know them not
this is a fear for if I not know them would they know I?
Life's longship meanders Upon misted Fens
ghosts echo in haze ever changing tack tideless waters so cold shores of Nastrond close
Never to dance in feast-halls warmth of forebears embrace
ever fear fangs of Nidhoggr in vengeance do I unfurl her sail set ablaze my own ship set course for the corpse-ripper
And unto Death I scream "Odinn ejer jer alle"
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Adrift
May 19, 2016 16:51:37 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on May 19, 2016 16:51:37 GMT -5
this has pieces of merrit, staggered reading, also question, lay with ancestors sounds sexual, did you mean funeral?
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Adrift
May 19, 2016 18:55:58 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on May 19, 2016 18:55:58 GMT -5
The first two strophes do read a bit wonky but I get what your trying to do. You could have started at "Life's longship meanders". It reads easy and flows well from there on, it seems complete too if we hadn't read the first part already, but that would have been the easy thing to do. LOL I didn't notice until I read what Veritas said but, yah. Not sure what you can do about that though. "Lie." LOL My suggestion: "I wish to lie with ancestors Alas I know them not
this I fear for if I know not them how shall they know I?" Hmmmm, that sounds like a quote. Probably Shakespearean. It's a little easier to read though. I'm not sure if I like the use of "Alas" here or not but I'm assuming a Shakespearean feel is the goal so I left it in. I don't normally promote the use of the word "the" or creating words themselves but this just seems right for opening S6. "everfear the fangs of Nidhoggr" And, you don't need "do" in the next line. The rhythm is better without it. I love a good challenge, especially one that tests my memory these days, so… "Odinn ejer jer alle"Google says; WTF? So, I'm guessing "Odinn owns (us) all" ? I love a good battle cry.
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Post by twistedangel on May 21, 2016 10:45:08 GMT -5
LMAO Mr V.....I never gave it a moments thought...didn't even pop into me head I thought the meaning clear...are you sure not saying more about you lol...but I get you point will change it to lie LF you absolutely right is "Odin owns us all" is as close as I could get to old Norse for its translation...Danish. I just Googled Viking battle cries Will have a think about all you suggestions, spesh as you both seem to prefer lie than lay LOL men pffft one track minds
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