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Post by stillmick on May 13, 2016 20:15:33 GMT -5
My long held breath, has blistered trough, my broken lips as prose From all of us still left alive, you are the only one who knows Me as me, and everlast, my isis, you my sun Rebuild me from my broken self, one day to be as one
Creeping ghost, confederates, my slave house they grow strong To drag me to the attic, where i belonged here all along
So there is no rebuilding me, except the effort from myself But there I trap me daily, in a lexington built hell I try and try, i daily strive, to be worthy of your love But my daily sobbing brings me no closer, to the one i want
Creeping days, where bridges are, where drunken flaws do a balanced dance Every step i take, is flawed, with out you in my hand
I should retire, colorado, go back to my home There at 11 mile, smoke my head alone Waiting for the stinging snow, of winters first new blast Holding on where freezing has me brought home in the last
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Garbage
May 13, 2016 21:45:49 GMT -5
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Post by Aish on May 13, 2016 21:45:49 GMT -5
This made me cry. Breathes and roars.
I'll come back later with my Aish hat on and give you some useful crit.
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Garbage
May 15, 2016 8:02:41 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on May 15, 2016 8:02:41 GMT -5
Not sure you need "you my sun" after calling her your Isis, you kinda said it all in that line Nor sure the meaning of "Lexington" I did try a searching for it Is a very strong heartfelt piece, really love this
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Garbage
May 16, 2016 14:09:09 GMT -5
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Post by Aish on May 16, 2016 14:09:09 GMT -5
I agree with what Angel said about the superfluous nature of using both Isis and sun. However, because of the meter you can't remove the Isis bit, and because you're rhyming you can't remove sun unless you change the next line.
As you know I'm not overly fond of rhyming poetry, especially with an AABB rhyme scheme. You did a good job though and I'm not adverse to this piece. It packs a painful punch.
I think S2 L2 could be tightened up a little, example: to drag me to the attic - I belonged here all along.
Don't capitalize every line and some of your "I's" are lower case. Just a little bit of cleaning up would make this quite a strong offering.
Don't forget, we ask you to leave 2 pieces of feedback for each poem you post.
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Garbage
May 17, 2016 21:17:29 GMT -5
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Post by stillmick on May 17, 2016 21:17:29 GMT -5
True aishe. If i was a poet, and every thought beyond the moment i wrote it. But, was the moment it was posted type writing. But im not A poet.. just a hack from zels old board. Who writes about my death.. as its happening. Yay play by play of my end. It may be good stuff. We will see. :^)
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Garbage
Jun 16, 2016 23:19:59 GMT -5
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Post by stillmick on Jun 16, 2016 23:19:59 GMT -5
Isis is the sun god? I thought she was hunt & birth. More importantly remade her love from his broken pieces. My mistake. I will post more replies on the many sweet writes here, rather than just reading. :^)
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Garbage
Jun 16, 2016 23:40:18 GMT -5
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Post by stillmick on Jun 16, 2016 23:40:18 GMT -5
For real though Aishe.. i live with out internet, so that is sporadic, hell, i live with out running water. Just rain & sunshine. You know where i stay, no bills, minus taxes, firewood and zero banks to answer to. Thankfully every wealthy person i work for in Leawood Kansas has a guest wifi.
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Garbage
Jul 4, 2016 19:18:52 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jul 4, 2016 19:18:52 GMT -5
Isis is not synonymous with the sun, you are correct. I was meaning that identifying as a Goddess didn't require further personification, and the sun is usually considered a masculine entity with the moon being female. It's ok, though.
You know, it's hard for me to picture the property since the fire, without the big house. I haven't been out to visit in way too long - maybe I can remedy that once the heat breaks. It would do me some good to see you and sit out in the middle of nowhere again.
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