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Post by twistedangel on Dec 17, 2015 5:26:02 GMT -5
Rows of crooked teeth old tombstones erode
Gothic monuments of an age long past
Forgotten as names etched upon their stone
Each tell but one tale all dreams are but fleeting
So wot does it matter? For a scythe shall reap us all
And the dead know only one truth It is better to be alive
V II
Rows of crooked teeth old tombstones erode
Gothic monuments of an age long past
Forgotten stone fading with their names
Each tell but one tale all dreams are but fleeting
So wot does it matter? For a scythe shall reap us all
And the dead know only one truth It is better to be alive
*A/N the last lines are not mine but robbed from the film Full Metal Jacket..but is a line that stuck with me an find soooo hauntingly creepy
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Dec 17, 2015 15:28:26 GMT -5
Scratch "As" in L1 and L5.
L10 should be " For the scythe shall reap." - "The" used with scythe and reap in the same line make the implication clearer and with that you don't need "us all." Life is a terminal condition.
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Post by twistedangel on Dec 20, 2015 3:55:48 GMT -5
Ok have tried a bit of a edit...the line ending in " us all" I kept...not that I think LF is wrong but that as a sentence it 'sounds' better..fengshui for the ears lol The use of gothic...cos that's wot they are...tombstones from the gothic revival era...1850s ish I think,
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Post by awesomebill on Dec 22, 2015 12:18:31 GMT -5
Oooh.... WOOW! I love this! I stutter as I try to critique this piece. I will come back later.
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Post by awesomebill on Dec 22, 2015 12:21:16 GMT -5
This is a 10, NiE for president 2016!
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