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senryu
Oct 27, 2015 5:31:52 GMT -5
Aish likes this
Post by twistedangel on Oct 27, 2015 5:31:52 GMT -5
Am in love with life Yet as Charon calls me name It falls on deaf ears
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senryu
Oct 27, 2015 14:22:22 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 27, 2015 14:22:22 GMT -5
I get your intention with this but the juxtaposition is all wrong. The first and last lines agree with each other. Opening with "I tire of living" or ending with "I reach for a coin" makes more sense for a senryu.
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senryu
Oct 27, 2015 21:41:39 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on Oct 27, 2015 21:41:39 GMT -5
I'd say drop "yet" n you got a feirce "love of life" senryu
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