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Post by wickedwrite on Oct 11, 2015 22:13:54 GMT -5
Heart’s know how to break, mine is covered in tears, yet never did you care.
You pulled at my heartstrings until they broke.
I had to keep my pieces in jars, so not to lose me.
Yet you found my safety and took what was left of me.
I shattered at your feet, all you did was kick me away.
You left a hole where You use to be.
Though today feels like tragedy, I still have tomorrow to let go of my suffering
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Post by Aish on Oct 12, 2015 15:01:10 GMT -5
Heart’s know how to break, No comma necessary "Hearts". A visceral, image heavy follow up such as they way they know how to break, how they do it, what it looks like or how they have jagged scars from ending so many times, etc would be a nice addition. mine is covered in tears, I think exploring the way your heart is torn would be more effective than 'covered in tears' because to the reader this could be tears (like torn cloth) or tears (droplets from eyes). yet never did you care. I don't think this line is necessary. It waters the piece down to more of a journal entry than a poem.
You pulled at my heartstrings until they broke. I like this strophe, but think adding in another line would enrich the reading experience. Something along the lines of You pulled at my heartstrings taut and painful in your greedy hands until they broke.
I had to keep my pieces in jars, so not to lose me. Really visceral, image. I can relate. Again, as a reader, I would like to see more. Maybe something describing the pieces on display.
Yet you found my safety and took what was left of me. Yet is unnecessary. Maybe a comma after safety followed by "taking what was left of me".
I shattered at your feet, all you did was kick me away. Consider "and you kicked my pieces away".
You left a hole where You use to be. I am unsure what to recommend here. The entire piece comes across as a letter or journal entry and in the vein of poetic endeavors it would suit you well to refashion the sentiments so that the overall emotion comes through without the objectification of 'you'. It drags the rest of the imagery down a bit.
Though today feels like tragedy, I still have tomorrow to let go of my suffering I like the ending, especially the penultimate and final lines.This is a nice first offering, and it's good to see you jumping right in. Remember, the suggestions are just my opinion.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Oct 14, 2015 18:47:53 GMT -5
I think Aish's feedback is pretty fair. Mostly I think this needs a tiny bit more organization meanwhile letting go of the subject verb structure.
Emotionally, it works, so clearly to me, you are expressing your feelings honestly. For better or worse, that is more than half of this kind of endeavor.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 22, 2015 2:44:25 GMT -5
Welcome to Dark Star Wickedwrite.
At the risk of sounding repetitive this is a nice first offering and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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