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Post by Aish on Oct 12, 2015 15:16:31 GMT -5
The only thing I can grouse about is the inconsistent capitalization. I personally think capitalizing every line looks novitiate. Otherwise, it's a great stream of consciousness piece. Brooding without being maudlin, stark yet open to interpretation. The final strophe is excellent.
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Post by Aish on Oct 12, 2015 15:17:15 GMT -5
I'm curious as to the meaning of the title.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 22, 2015 3:21:08 GMT -5
The first two strophes slow your opening. For me this really begins at "Termite tunnels Drawn into dust" and it really begins popping at S3.
S3 - Drop "together" and move "merge" up to L3.
Remove the comas. Partial punctuation doesn’t work with this one and detracts something from its capricious nature.
I love the title BTW.
Aish - amaneciendo - The translation to English is hard to make but as I understand it means something between dawn and early awakening.
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