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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Sept 14, 2015 18:13:36 GMT -5
I wonder if - you truly miss thoughts wrote - to make - you blush. Locked in a look, neither can move, still emotion shared freely.
You pucker lips, then swivel hips, scratch the surface of my meaning. Not shared of the earth, but the ether, an i de a, sensu-ality.
Not like those.. pairs from before, who taught how nesters join. But instead, two halves whole, intimate, special unifying.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 16, 2015 23:39:03 GMT -5
This needs some imagery. I've tackled this message many times but it is a hard one to express with anything that evokes feeling or imagery. The first two lines of the first strophe seem unrelated to the rest of the poem. I don't see what her missing your words has to do with an ethereal connection. You introduce some imagery with the second strophe but it has a slide show effect to it. You have to develop or build an image. Eg; " Your puckered lips sway in your swivel hips, down through your supple thighs -moves that mesmerize- and speaks of romance, so loud is this dance... a mere scratching of the meaning"S2, L3 - the whole line could be reduced to "Unearthly." S2, L4 - you're trying to pack too much meaning into too few words with no imagery. I think the inherent problem with the subject and why the message is so hard to express poetically is that it can't be done with any directness. It's not an everyday experience that we all live with so there is nothing direct about it. Intimate and personnel, yes, but most indirect as far as life is concerned. The irony is in how direct it is to our soul. LOL It has to come (word for word) from the soul. I can recall one I posted as a semi-successful attempt but it can be best described as too capricious. This has a lot of that too. I love the message but I can't see any way to help with the delivery.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Sept 17, 2015 10:53:34 GMT -5
Appreciate the reply friend. At work so not long to reply, but I think I will leave up as is then try to kinda break down my thinking. Some of it is very very personal, but a lot of it is a metacommentary that is accessible imo. FWIW, in some ways the blandness is intentional.
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Post by twistedangel on Sept 18, 2015 2:01:24 GMT -5
There is a clarity issue eith this S1 I reckon should be thoughts missed rather than wrote those unsaid thoughts that are purley expressed on a look a moment of complete understanding between to bound souls S2 is a great idea...that physical bound that transcends to the almost spiritual/ether S3 lose "special" is not needed an lessens the impact of the last line IMO Overall I liked it but struggled with it, a lot of reading between lines
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on Oct 1, 2015 22:51:00 GMT -5
"Scratch the surface of my meaning " I just melted...
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Oct 5, 2015 18:46:26 GMT -5
^TYVM, I def needed that encouragement. Ok I thought about this one a lot, so it is not that I forgot about it. I appreciate the constructive criticism, and wanted to make sure I fairly considered your comments. In one hand, I agree that has an 'assembled mosaic' feel to it somewhat, like those two great lines that surround gutted text, once related now two one-liners separated by a moment that no longer exists. Ofc, I tried hard to polish these two bits of stone into something greater of their parts and in someways turned them to one, and prob could mill for another 100 years not get it the rest of the way, but anywho. Annnndddd on the other hand.. I feel some is looking for a narrative where one is not needed. Much of the awkwardness (I'm sorry it isn't easier to read!) is because its a Victorian sonnet torn apart and reassembled. So to change the S2 structure similar to suggested is missing the point. It's not a song, it's the quiet whisper of one lover to another. I thought a lot and tried to replace special with a lot of things. In some ways I felt this word called the most attention to the last 6 syllables which was most of why it stayed. Much of the word choice may seem basic, but it is appropriate imo since I the narrator am speaking to the audience (her) in the way that will have the most appeal, clarity and effectiveness. So, that is the rest of the reason. Special is a girl's word. To a girl (most of them), a special thing IS special to her. To her, the word is fine. Do I think there could be something better? Sure, somewhere between maybe and probably. /stream of consciousness
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Oct 5, 2015 19:00:35 GMT -5
Appreciate the reply friend. At work so not long to reply, but I think I will leave up as is then try to kinda break down my thinking. Some of it is very very personal, but a lot of it is a metacommentary that is accessible imo. FWIW, in some ways the blandness is intentional. And about this, the whole point of the literal meaning is that she is using sex to get my love but I need her love to move forward. I am trying to show her that two love by joining their ideas in practical ways, since the traditional family is gone. The downplayed tone is to emphasis the structure, which mirrors the above.
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