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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 3, 2015 15:40:25 GMT -5
Your punctuation makes this want to read as one long run-on, except for the capitalization, but that seems intentional. It has a slow rhythm with so many short lines and breaks. I like it. It really works well with the subject matter. I often expound on wordiness but this doesn’t feel quite wordy. It could be shortened with a few word choices and you have a sort of double indemnity here; " ill-fated heart, I roam
away from moss covered chairs"- You don't need "roam" and "away." If you switch "wriggling" and "night" the reader connects more solidly with the night and it moves "wriggling" just a little closer to "pincers." And I have to ask this every time I see it but why use an ampersand? "Feel the night wriggling upon my arms- with its gossamer strands of feet, wings & pincers"You don't need to say "its" here. Poetry begs for this kind of simple implication. I'm not sure you need mention the animals in-between in the last strophe. Wolves or daemons would convey the danger better. As it is worded the first impression is that the animals are waiting for the train. I think a couple of hyphens would clear it up. Dark and soulful, it reeks of loss, and in doing so it shares a human condition in a way that think many readers can appreciate. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 4, 2015 14:44:55 GMT -5
“I dislike the frequent use of "and" in my writing.” – Me too. The first thing I do is delete all the conjunctions and “the.” When I read it out loud I add them back in only where they are absolutely needed.
Animals was not a bad word choice and as for creatures I think it is six in one and a half dozen in the other but I think you misunderstood my meaning of using the hyphen. Place one at each end of the lines you want to be shown as a separate description from the rest of the sentence or strophe. Eg: “Wand'ring ruin -where in-between creatures lie- Waiting at the station for that funeral train gone by.” This way we know it is the "Wand’ring ruin" who waits. BTW, that word combination has a double meaning that works superbly.
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Post by Veritas on Sept 29, 2015 23:22:25 GMT -5
the ruin isn't waiting my friend.
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Post by Veritas on Sept 29, 2015 23:29:01 GMT -5
enjoyed... reading both versions the first draws raw apeal the second streamlined, nice work... images are spellbinding & harrowing
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Post by wickedwrite on Oct 11, 2015 22:33:04 GMT -5
I enjoyed this much. I have but one compliant I'm not sure if you meant to leave out punctuation. I have issues with punctuation myself so. :-)
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Post by awesomebill on Dec 10, 2015 11:37:51 GMT -5
It seem to me to have problems with thems there wordiness and grammar issues, however, I reckon that it do have much spirit. I can really feel the creativity and the poetic form. Step to that there rhythm and just live your life erkay?! Bye ya'lll, dis my favorite poem.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 13, 2016 23:34:26 GMT -5
Welcome back
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Post by monapentacle666 on Feb 11, 2018 11:57:14 GMT -5
Hey I want to ride the funeral train nice poem.
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