|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 31, 2015 17:41:15 GMT -5
Delicately as a shifting breeze her evanescence sanctifies the silent dawn Shifting hues consumed in light become eternally cloaked in beauty
In that final fading I see and blindly surrender
LonelyForsaken
_____________________________________________________________ Delicately as a shifting breeze her evanescence sanctifies the silent dawn In that moment I look into eternity cloaked in beauty I fall in blind surrender
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 2, 2015 12:59:03 GMT -5
Thanks Goneghost You’re quite perceptive. "I feel like there's more that you wanted to get in here though, and that left me slightly wanting.” – When I looked at it last night I removed half a line and now I see that I didn’t even save that change. I started to rewrite the whole thing and came to the conclusion that I posted it too early. You’d think I would have learned by now to wait a few days before deciding to post anything but every now and then I’m hit with inspiration while here and I just pop them up when it is this slow here. Even the title isn't quite right. Your comment confirms a few things I got frustrated with. Sometimes the words just won’t come out right so I dropped it and started drawing to see if I could add anything to the scribbles thread you have been so active in lately. I’ll upload that in a few minutes.
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 3, 2015 14:45:38 GMT -5
"...and that left me slightly wanting." - BTW, bard's rule number one is; Always keep them wanting more.
|
|
|
Post by vincentaugustemanet on Sept 3, 2015 19:43:46 GMT -5
Whelp, the prob is the 2nd line which has too much cacophony. The end is good either way. Overall I like the mystery of the second one more.
(Says the guy who just used translate.google to figure out how to say evanescence. : ))))))
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Sept 4, 2015 14:27:22 GMT -5
“…the prob is the 2nd line which has too much cacophony.” – I’m afraid there is no help for that. It is intentional. The problem is that until Amy Lee named her band “Evanescence” nobody ever heard the word let alone knew what it meant. It’s a beauty of a word IMO. A soft leaving. Like when the colors of dawn or dusk fade into the light or darkness. When applied to people it’s a painfully slow reminder of loss. As with the dawn, it has already ended when the sun breaks the horizon, but some of the colors remain a while longer before they evanescence into the light of day. Death is the ultimate closure but some things are too precious to be let go of so abruptly. We let their beauty linger because we can’t let go. Though it is a painful reminder, to turn away from it is far more so, and feels sacrilegious. The light of day is a beautiful thing but at each end of the day, beginning and the end, we see the cloak that lies between day and night. It’s a cacophony of color that is brief and precious.
|
|
|
Post by twistedangel on Sept 18, 2015 1:48:37 GMT -5
Tho I get wot goneghost is saying about evanescence it is the readers problem to overcome cos it is after all a word in its own right IMO I think this is a beautiful haunting write loved it
|
|
|
Post by Mikepoet on Apr 30, 2016 12:42:36 GMT -5
Good poem
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on May 2, 2016 12:29:33 GMT -5
Thanks Angel Thanks Mike
|
|