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Post by lewis82 on Aug 4, 2015 4:16:14 GMT -5
Opening you up to your depths, deep within, I can't get enough until I'm where no one has been...
Deep in your core, where the rivers flow free, let's open you more, into the deepness you bleed.
(Disclaimer- This CAN be taken metaphorically)
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Opening
Aug 4, 2015 12:16:29 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Aug 4, 2015 12:16:29 GMT -5
I like the violence of the literal interpretation, but lets stick to the metaphor for now. I think you need an opener before "Opening you up". It's a little abrupt, a thought already in motion. Have you considered "until I'm where none has been" in S1 L4? You don't need "the" in S2 L2. The commas are distracting because they are prolific. Any chance you would be willing to expand this by eradicating the rhyme? Rhyming shoves you into a box because there is a finite collection of words to use. The depth you hint at and play with here is only showing skin deep, because you do not have the freedom and word choice to show it to us. I dig your concept. Work on the delivery - really eviscerate and excavate the meat and marrow and Id of what you are trying to show us. Thank you for the read.
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Opening
Aug 4, 2015 19:37:22 GMT -5
Post by lewis82 on Aug 4, 2015 19:37:22 GMT -5
Opening you up to your depths deep within I can't get enough until I'm where none have been...
Deep in your core where the rivers flow free let's open you more into the deepness you bleed.
Thank You for the input! I do have an ocd with commas that I've been trying to work on. Changing that line works fine for me, but I have to apologize... I'm a rhymer and part of the challenge for me is finding ways to make what I want to say rhyme. It is just my style.
Again, thanks for the suggestions.
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Opening
Aug 5, 2015 22:12:01 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 5, 2015 22:12:01 GMT -5
Ok. First I have to say, I know I have an odd sense of humor but this and Aish’s first comment have me rolling on the floor. It reminded me of an old Richard Pryor joke. Think, two more inches. LOL Removing the commas works but I always proffer no punctuation at all with short lines. I get the “no one has been” word choice and proffer it because it is closer to “Where no man has been before.” And I don’t want to shorten this either. LOL I must be slipping. You could edit your original post to display the new revised version. I place a line above the old version and paste the new one above it so we can compare and see how a write develops with feedback. This is my new favorite of yours.
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Opening
Aug 7, 2015 12:28:46 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Aug 7, 2015 12:28:46 GMT -5
This is awesome..the edited version I did prefer but that's like poetical stuff..it's the essence of this which really pulls me in..speaks to me in ways that will one day maybe actually happen ...maybe ?
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