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Post by lewis82 on Aug 3, 2015 22:11:29 GMT -5
The dark star moves to eclipse
the bright sun that must burn through,
like a kiss, absent lips,
bringing the apparent collision of two...
two opposites who coexist
where the blackness is construed,
appearing to now shift
toward certain doom...
closer and closer, as if...
they will crash and go 'Boom!'.
But perception is merely a rift
from our angle of view,
and what appears a near miss
can be defined by more than few
by the way they look at this
and decide what is true.
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Post by Aish on Aug 4, 2015 12:09:16 GMT -5
Truth is duality - it depends on our angle of perception.
I will warn you I am generally not a fan of rhyming, especially simplistic AB/AB schemes. I won't bang on that right now, though. This is an evocative piece. Welcome.
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Post by lewis82 on Aug 5, 2015 5:44:16 GMT -5
Thanks for the input. I don't mean to be argumentative, but without the rhymes it just isn't much of a challenge for me. Also I have noticed in the past that rhyming schemes that take longer (more lines) to match up (ABC/ABC etc)... average readers tend to not catch them as easily and it doesn't sound as smooth. Trying to make something sound smooth and still have deep meaning or even a metaphorical purpose is all part of the challenge for me.
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Post by lewis82 on Aug 5, 2015 5:44:44 GMT -5
But to each his/her own, I suppose.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 5, 2015 16:31:16 GMT -5
“Trying to make something sound smooth and still have deep meaning or even a metaphorical purpose is all part of the challenge for me.” – That was why I started out so insistently with it. I needed the challenge to remain focused. What Aish and others here taught me was that freeing myself of ALL constraints let me really express my deepest aspects. I still rhyme in places like the four line challenge thread but unless it comes out that way naturally I don’t even try to rhyme anymore. There are even more constraining challenges I enjoy now like Haiku. It’s all good though. The first rule is to enjoy what you do.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 5, 2015 16:48:00 GMT -5
Wow! I like it! You’re rhyming is pretty good. I feel very little forced into it and see your practiced hand. There is one line I really like most but I can reiterate what I said earlier about being more direct or punching up the main feeling by using less words or combining words and lines into single word choices; “like a kiss, absent lips, bringing the apparent collision of two...”Yes! The kiss, after absent so long, the collision, the headlong rush to meet again so forcefully, BOOM! But why did you soften it with “apparent”? Good stuff man, keep it coming.
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