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Post by lewis82 on Aug 2, 2015 9:12:11 GMT -5
Unsafe Haven I try to stop this, as you run away... away from the mist enshrouding the way. Running vulnerably, from things that may bite, toward your sanctuary to where you take flight, fleeing something scary that chases you through the night, devoid of the defenses you carry, you run blindly without sight. Racing toward your sacred place, focusing on what is behind, bumping into the things in your way now that you're running blind, looking toward what gives chase somewhere not far behind, you're unprepared to embrace the destination you'll find. Afraid of that which you saw you head toward something real, running toward the very jaws, where you become easy meal.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 3, 2015 19:27:38 GMT -5
I don’t want you to think I didn’t read this one or that I didn’t like it but it’s a bit hard for me to really comment on this one for a few reasons. Mostly because it is something I just don’t relate to though I had a laugh at the last strophe; “where you become (an) easy meal.” is a nice ending and the pic is a nice touch too. It’s easy to see the connection and most men want to eat a beautiful naked woman. Some women do too. LOL Fear is something relatively new to me as is understanding suicide. I never even feared death until I feared I had never really lived and in all honesty I’ve come full circle and do not fear it again, for different reasons this time though. I can relate to this very well in at least one way. I recently posted “Can’t Write a Love Poem” in my little corner of the forsaken realm that if you read it I think you’ll see what I mean. Chasing after a woman and trying to be her safe place while she sees all too clearly the wolf in me. It sucks. Over all it’s a good write though and you are a talented writer. Rhyming – It’s a touchy subject with many writers. I had to use its restrictive form when I started because I was so emotionally scatter brained that I needed some form and rule just to stay focused. From there I moved onto quatrain and was eventually able to free myself of all of it. That is one of the beauties of this place, we sometimes get to see a glimpse into the lives of the writers as they grow and change. We always get to know each other pretty well, at least for awhile. Rhyming is a natural inclination connected to poetry. Some people believe that it isn’t true poetry unless it has a rhyming scheme. That is part of the beauty, it’s a myriad of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and beliefs. Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only real problem with rhyming is that it has been done to death and done so well for so long by so many that you have to do an exceptional job of it or many readers just tire of it. Believe me when I say; I’ve felt the rejection of it at every poetry site I’ve been to. IMO you did very well with it in this write. As for constructive criticism, well, I think it’s wordy, but I covered that in your other poem recently so I won’t go into it here. But I wanted to say that the talent I see form you leads me to believe you will soon begin to boil your poems down. Lines will soon become word combinations, shorter, and more visual. Not that this one isn’t visual, you did a great job with imagery here. Keep reading older posts and the comments. Some of the writers here are much better at teaching than I am, I’m too clinical with my explanations, but they taught me so anyone can learn from what has been posted here. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this.
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Post by lewis82 on Aug 3, 2015 21:32:50 GMT -5
Thanks, LonelyForsaken. I spent many hours on this pic and when I wrote it, I really wanted to illustrate a vulnerable person (hence the nakedness) running away from PERCEIVED danger... but the fleeing is actually driving the person toward danger (perhaps simply by the act of rushing). When I write things of this nature, I try to display something that can have a universal moral or lesson sometimes. It can apply to many situations. Apologies if my writings get a bit long, at times. I used to always write very short... but in the past year I have been working on a series of poetry/art books (nothing huge- just self published) that are evolving into my own personal... I guess you could say religion or cryptic belief system (lol). ANYWAYS... (the point) So about a year ago, I started training myself to write longer. I have many shorter poems, but I think y'all would prefer I only post my new material (written FOR HERE) most of the time. So I'd hate to inundate you guys with copy/pastes from my previous works. This is pretty much my style, now. Long and in-depth.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 4, 2015 3:19:47 GMT -5
“I spent many hours on this pic and when I wrote it, I really wanted to illustrate a vulnerable person (hence the nakedness) running away from PERCEIVED danger... but the fleeing is actually driving the person toward danger (perhaps simply by the act of rushing). When I write things of this nature, I try to display something that can have a universal moral or lesson sometimes. It can apply to many situations.” – I can assure you that you did all that very well. That is why it reminded me so strongly of my post and Pam so well. She actually ran towards danger and away from the only safe place she ever knew.
“I have many shorter poems, but I think y'all would prefer I only post my new material (written FOR HERE) most of the time. So I'd hate to inundate you guys with copy/pastes from my previous works. This is pretty much my style, now. Long and in-depth.” – You think you’re long winded? I should link you to some of my old prattlings LOL I started out so long winded I got very few replies. Pages of crap that even I knew was over the top. I just needed to get a lot of things out and this is a safe place to do it with many good people.
Actually the shorter ones seem to get more attention here. I for one would very much like to read your old short writes but I don’t recommend slamming the poetry board with a lot at one time. Dole out your best or favorites and try to keep up with the 3 to 1 rule but there are a few areas where you can post them all till your heart’s content. Personal members board is perfect for that but I think that is kinda’ reserved for members that have been around for awhile and you have to send a PM to an Admin if you want one. You could make a new thread in Debris and the General Talk board is open for anything but Rage. Debris is more meant for small snippets like I tend to post in my fragments thread but I don’t think anyone would mind. As slow as it is lately you could send a PM to Aish and ask for a personal space in the members board, we have gotten a little lax with these things, but she is really busy with real life ATM and isn’t around here much nor does she have much time when she is. This place does tend to require some patience, we aren't getting a lot of traffic lately. The big attraction is quality over quantity.
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Post by awesomebill on Dec 10, 2015 11:20:09 GMT -5
That there woman looks a fine and dandy, I think sheeee could get it!
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Post by Mikepoet on Apr 29, 2016 10:38:21 GMT -5
Good rhyming poem. i thinnk perhaps it should be further. expanded with a poem ahead to hellp devolope what is being feared. another poem after. Could explain. all in all it feels like a little. piece of a larger puzzle.
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