I like this very much, but then I am a hunter, warrior, defender, and a thousand other things. This poem encompasses many philosophical ideas. I’m reminded of beginnings and endings, life and death, good and evil, men and gods, winners and losers, chaos and order, free will and fate, but the most profound and all encompassing message is circles. A return to the beginning without end.
However, as good as this write is, and I admit it is far better than anything I posted here for years, I see some room to demonstrate improvements and the lessons that accompany any expression of even this caliber of talent. Yet, coming full circle, these need not be applied for any other reason than a breakdown to demonstrate said lessons. LOL In other words; it’s good but I am long winded.
I’m not certain you have read the thread (“Dark Star Poetry – Posting Guidelines” in the “Info & Support” board) that explains our rules and our main objective, or charter if you will, for what we attempt to accomplish in the “Poetry” board, but I suspect that unlike many new members you have already done so without prompting. I mention this because it is highly unusual and I wish to give credit to your initiative and the unusual care I see demonstrated in a personality that takes the time and makes the effort to properly prepare one’s self before beginning even in a venue as unimportant to the important aspects of our lives as this.
Our main goal is to learn and improve or writing skills, to help each other discover what it is that creates poetry that appeals to a wide audience, but we are not limited to this singular goal. Reading back through the many years of our member’s posts, a daunting task that I’m almost certain you have already begun, you will find an amazing array of talent and expressions. Reading the comments you’ll see many lessons and ideas of what this multi faceted and diverse community has contributed to that goal.
No write is ever viewed as perfect by everyone though we may try. Yet, I believe the most important reader we can impress is ourselves. It is always the creator’s expression. We may choose to use the advice and lessons offered by others or we may choose not to but we always strive to make these offerings with the best of intentions.
I like to start out with some of the lessons I nearly always offer up to new members. These are general or global guidelines that I feel are always good to keep in mind when trying to appeal to a wide audience. First, be true to yourself; always write in whatever style and format that appeals to you most. But in general these next rules apply to any write; Begin with a captivating opening, end with a memorable profound statement, and in-between link the two with a body of work that connects the messages and ideas fluidly and coherently.
Yet, with all that in mind there is no reason not to break the rules and think outside the box. Poetry is an art form, an expression. Feel free to experiment. One of the ways poetry differs from storytelling, essay, script, and a hundred other forms is that we try to pack a lot into as few words as possible. One of the best pieces of advice I received here on how to accomplish that went something like this; “Don’t tell us. Picture an image and do your best to describe that image.” Imagery works very well for poetry. Word choices and word combinations can accomplish amazing affects within a readers mind.
You will see me often stress the wordiness of a poem. I started out so long winded that I seriously got in my own way of trying to accomplish any of this. I learned the hard way that less is more in poetry. We don’t need all the words we normally use in every day writing. Trim it down to what is necessary and little more. The descriptive words are most important. We often don’t need conjunctions (and, but, and or) or the mundane words like “the.” Fuzzy words that are not assertive like “things” usually don’t work well.
Another effective method is to leave room for the reader to fill in with their own experience. Fuzzy words that aren’t very descriptive like “things” or “ like” create fuzziness but if you leave well placed holes that fit the flow the reader’s mind will automatically fill in the blanks with personal experience and feel a closer connection with the expression. It helps if we can “imply.” Avoid words that are too descriptive like; “you,” “me,” “she,” “him,” “I,” etc. All these words are sometimes necessary but if we can convey our message without them it leaves places where the reader can become more personally involved within the read by filling in themselves.
I always feel I’m being a bit presumptuous when I do this but the best way to demonstrate how these things can be done is to take a line, a few lines, or a strophe from the writer’s poem and rip it apart. It seems cruel sometimes but I find that it works for me if not for the original writer. And that leads into this lesson; the hardest thing we ask for from our members is our three to one rule. Three constructive criticisms of another writers work for each poem we post. It’s hard to do. This only applies to the categories under the “Poems” board. It often feels presumptuous, wrong, and even cruel to rip apart someone else’s hard work. I believe it works so well because it is so hard to do. Hard work produces the best results and we remember the lessons we try to impart when we next attempt to create our own writes. Eg;
I pick your last strophe because I like it. It has impact and good word choices. What I want to demonstrate is how you can say the same things with fewer words and hopefully I can also demonstrate how creating these holes makes the read appeal to more readers.
“Welcome to this place
littered with thorns
and what they demand.
Deep within my space
where devils lose horns,
lopped by these very hands,
falling from grace
into the urges you've borne,
bringing you to where this thing began.”
Without making word changes or changing it too much it becomes something like this;
“Welcome
to a place littered with thorns.
A space deep within
what they demand.
Where devils lose horns,
lopped.
These very hands,
fallen from grace,
into urges borne where this began.”
And your title becomes; “Where This Began.”
It’s much more assertive without that one word: “thing.” “This” becomes something pictured more sharply and feels more like you can hold it in your hand or even own it. It’s a small thing/change but each one adds up to form a polish on the write in the readers mind.
It seems endless the things that can be considered; tempo, rhythm, rhyme, word count, line breaks, forms, syllable counts, consistency in tense, and dozens of other things I’m too tired to remember at the moment.
Also, it’s hard for us to view our own work objectively. I often leave a write alone for awhile, try to forget the emotion that was the original inspiration, and write it again trying to keep in mind all the lessons I want to apply to that particular write. I always keep the original unchanged as a reference though.
Thanks for sharing and again, Welcome to Dark Star.