LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
|
Post by LSD on Jul 22, 2015 1:29:01 GMT -5
Am I ready? Carrying her groceries to her Jetta. Wanting to forget my awkward glances. She notices me, My repulsive auras negate her welcoming . Touching my face, Because she won't. The blemished beauty, Mother said, Birthed out of love.
Puddles of childhood tears Seem to never dry
"Thank you sweetie," She said. Acknowledging my existence. And I always say goodbye, Because they never come back. Summer came and gone Nights, I trembled with the fear of being alone Like I was, and am to be Caged in the wound with the nonexistent Buried in the dirt Seperated from consciousness. My thoughts wrestle with reason. Making my work days very difficult.
Carts pile in the lot, While the sun struggles to rise. Barely awake, I see a blue car pull in. Familiar from afar, And close enough to recognize a face. Tempted to move, and curse what's never been noticeable. Those baby blues stared with a gentle greeting. A Paralyzing glamour, Releasing me of all doubt and anxiety. At least for a moment. Realizing that their may be hope For me.
Puddles of childhood tears, Will one day dry.
|
|
|
Post by fourtimefelon on Aug 4, 2015 20:00:30 GMT -5
Am I ready? (Necessary?)
Carrying her groceries to her Jetta. (I believe these three statements could become one.) Wanting to forget my awkward glances. She notices me,
{As I carry the groceries to her car, stealing my furtive glances, she notices.}
My repulsive aura(s) negate her welcoming (.) (I don't understand what this is supposed to mean.)
Touching my face, (This bit is wonderfully descriptive of Because she won't. wiping away tears shed over a self- The blemished beauty, perceived ugliness. Lovely, but I Mother said, believe it could be reworked.) Birthed out of love.
Puddles of childhood tears (This is the first of several spots where punctuation disappears. Seem to never dry Not sure if this is intentional, but consistency in this area, whether all or none, would really help the piece.)
"Thank you sweetie," (Comma after 'she said' - Make it one statement with the acknowledging She said. line.) Acknowledging my existence. And I always say goodbye, (I believe 'And of course I say goodbye' flows better, imo.) Because they never come back.
(I think there should be a break here.)
Summer came and gone (This strophe needs reworking, it's sporadic and confusing. Idk, perhaps that Nights, was your intent? Also, it loses clarity because of the lack of punctuation, I trembled with the fear of being alone as compared to the rest of the piece.) Like I was, and am to be Caged in the wound with the nonexistent Buried in the dirt Seperated from consciousness. My thoughts wrestle with reason. Making my work days very difficult.
Carts pile in the lot, While the sun struggles to rise. Barely awake, I see a blue car pull in. Familiar from afar, And close enough to recognize a face. ('And' could be 'but'.) Tempted to move, (I feel you, but I think that there is so much more emotion in this ending and curse what's never been noticeable. than the chosen words evoke.) Those baby blues stared with a gentle greeting. A Paralyzing glamour, Releasing me of all doubt and anxiety. At least for a moment. Realizing that their may be hope For me.
Puddles of childhood tears, Will one day dry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I read this many times, I think it holds promise. For me personally, the back-and-forthing of punctuating or not punctuating as well as the various changes in the tense of the piece are holding it back. And there are a couple of instances where I think you could elicit more feeling with a different wording, or even a few different words in general. And there are a few basic grammatical errors that distract from the art, at least to a more discerning eye. You're painting a picture here, and it seems like you want the image to be clear, but these issues make the final product too abstract.
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Aug 13, 2015 11:40:58 GMT -5
Am I ready? Do you really need this line? Carrying her groceries to her Jetta. Do you need the first her? I think a comma would be more effective than a full stop. Wanting to forget my awkward glances. She notices me, My repulsive auras negate her welcoming . Touching my face, This line forward is very uncomfortable and painful, good job.The commas and structure are kind of difficult, but the content itself is good. Because she won't. The blemished beauty, Mother said, Birthed out of love.
Puddles of childhood tears Seem to never dry
"Thank you sweetie," She said. Acknowledging my existence. And I always say goodbye, Because they never come back. Summer came and gone Nights, I trembled with the fear of being alone Like I was, and am to be Caged in the wound with the nonexistent Buried in the dirt Seperated from consciousness. My thoughts wrestle with reason. Making my work days very difficult.
Carts pile in the lot, While the sun struggles to rise. Barely awake, I see a blue car pull in. Familiar from afar, And close enough to recognize a face. Tempted to move, and curse what's never been noticeable. Those baby blues stared with a gentle greeting. A Paralyzing glamour, Releasing me of all doubt and anxiety. At least for a moment. Realizing that their may be hope For me.
Puddles of childhood tears, Will one day dry.
This piece has power in it. I suggest you work on it to make it a little more succinct, it will be well worth the effort. fourtimefelon gave some excellent advice.
|
|
|
Post by twistedangel on Sept 18, 2015 2:17:19 GMT -5
Somtimes we just gotta say it how it is...this msy not be poetic but I read a poem in this repulsive auras. ..speaks of a self hatred to me...a kinda social awkwardness or lack of confidence that said am not sure if this relates to life in general or just towards the driver of the Jetta ?
|
|
LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
|
Post by LSD on Oct 1, 2015 22:48:54 GMT -5
Thank you all for the critiques. Not one of my best, but it was begging to be written.
|
|
|
Post by vincentaugustemanet on Oct 6, 2015 17:54:21 GMT -5
To me the wild brush strokes are the best part. I agree they need to be refined, but not to fix errors as much as to accentuate effect.
|
|