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Post by twistedangel on Apr 27, 2015 2:21:46 GMT -5
Bathe in viscous crimson Of innocents slain Drink deep of tyrants cup Thy obesity from despair
All blind to understand Thy power wielded by their hand World turns upon thine iron axes Chained to liberty dreams
Truths in smoke Lies within mirrors Nought as it seems Beware of all ye read
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 27, 2015 12:08:19 GMT -5
Here in the US we are ramping up our pre-election debates early this time. We are digging up old lies and making new ones faster than ever before. It’s so prolific, and has been for so long, that it is expected and seems to have become a form of entertainment in our media. I actually heard one reporter say something to the effect that the lies don’t bother her anymore because we have come to expect it from our politicians. Really? So we just make excuses for it now? I’ve long known they don’t live in the same world we do but this is ridicules. We don’t even try to hold them to the same standards we are expected to adhere to. I see no accountability on any level at all in politics. They get away with murder. Your opening strophe leads me to believe this is a political statement more than anything else. I just noticed that it is in "Fight the system" too. Might be a clue. LOL Fight the power mad lying bastards A few suggestions; S1, L3 – change “of” to “from” S1, L4 – change “from” to “of” S2, L1 – Is a bit wonky wording. Either “All too blind to understand” or “All blind to understanding” would work. S2, L2 – In this context “Thy” refers to the reader but the power is wielded by “their” hand. It makes the reasoning a bit wonky. The power is in the hands of those who wield it so Thy/we have no power in this context. What do you think of “Thy life wielded by their hand” ? Swapping power for life turns the line into a statement of truth and relates the line more directly to the lie aspect of this write. S3, L3 – The spelling of “Naught” threw me for a moment but I looked it up. Wiktionary says it is Scottish and old/middle English spelling. Nice catch. You’re getting real good with old English Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this a lot.
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 27, 2015 14:41:51 GMT -5
Yeah I thought about 'from' instead of 'of' but wos trying to be clever lol an keep it short as poss reading you crit an reading it back, i reckon me big fail is that S1 S2 is talking an jabbing a finger at the man running the system...S3 being the message to the masses but the change aint clear enough, S2L1 needs some serious edit
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 28, 2015 0:58:06 GMT -5
“i reckon me big fail is that S1 S2 is talking an jabbing a finger at the man running the system...S3 being the message to the masses” – S1 and S3 are fine in that respect. S2 needs something though. I’m a bit burnt out ATM. I’ll get back to this and BrokenWingedAngel’s tomorrow.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 28, 2015 18:20:25 GMT -5
Here are my suggestions/ideas for S2;
Blind to our understanding Thy power born of our hands (or "on our backs") World turns upon thine iron axes Chained to destruction of liberties’ dreams or simply "destruction of liberties’ dreams"
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 29, 2015 13:33:09 GMT -5
Cool some food for thought. .cheers am gonna have a think an do a V2 i reckon ☺
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