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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 20, 2015 9:36:42 GMT -5
Last night, saw you again.
Open lips finally concede.
Not tamed by cage or whip.
Again joined, in Phoenix flame.
Salvation, perfectly.
Release my sins, please be true.
Realest smile, ran my heart through.
A perfect feelin', fantasy.
Then sun, a bleak nightmare,
a tease repeat, palmers closed.
Ashy heart, empty cloud.
Mare kicks. What a wretched fate.
All of my love, take with glee.
My saint phantom, forgiven.
Just us two, could form one.
Gleeful arms, 'round holding vous.
I live only, only for you,
my sweetest, my lady, my Baby Boo.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 20, 2015 21:36:32 GMT -5
Hi Vincent I get the feeling that this is primarily an exercise in practicing what you have learned. I think you have taken my advice of keeping it short a little too much to heart. Very commendable but anything can be overdone. You’re moving in the right direction though This is a good step/effort. Now, you just need to refine a balance and keep imagery in mind more prominently. Part of the reason for the shortness, to move away from storytelling, is to find more descriptive words and wording that “show” and invoke feeling. As it is this comes out a bit disjointed or abrupt in places. The feelings are there, you just need to refine the expression. “Last night, saw you again.
Open lips finally concede.
Not tamed by cage or whip.
Again joined, in Phoenix flame.”What makes expression so complicated is all the little things that polish a write. Your opening “statement” is mundane even without the “I” and when mentioning the “Phoenix” the word flame is like saying it twice/redundant. I can see that you’re trying to build up to this different way of seeing her “last night” but there is nothing captivating about your opening and it’s like taking a story, chopping it up, and cramming in the important pieces. Try to build an image and bring the feeling to a crescendo. Something like, Eg; I see you, I’ve seen you before. Was it the night or something… before unseen? Conceding lips open, untamed, without whips, without cage, joining in a Phoenix of perfect salvation. Your smile released my sins, ran my heart through with a blood drenched fantasy where feelings are made perfectly true. My own imagery in this example is a bit lacking. I really want to go on with the rest of this. I was tempted to use the next part for my example instead because the image in my mind is spectacular, where the nightmare that begins at sunrise/dawn and ends in feelings of a kicked, wretched, ashy heart, but I don’t want to make this my own. “a tease repeat, palmers closed.” – Palmers? Medieval pilgrims that carry palm leaves from the holy land? “Gleeful arms, 'round holding vous.” – vous? I can’t even guess. LOL I love the sentiment. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 20, 2015 23:50:37 GMT -5
Hi again friend. Well, I wrote this one this morning and revised it pretty quickly for me. Let's just say I had a dream and that's what this is about. In hindsight before your feedback, I realize some parts transition are not really connected. Your feedback in the middle paragraph expands on this and kinda explains why it doesn't really work, so thanks much for that too. Ya, I'm not a big shakespeare guy but I always remember the palmer's kiss line, but i reversed it like the sun idea. Really appreciate your feedback and hope to keep growing.
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Post by Mikepoet on Dec 23, 2015 14:26:35 GMT -5
Good write was.direct and to the point. I am not much fot critique but others here are as you see. just keep writting you have talent.
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