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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 7, 2015 14:59:49 GMT -5
To The Most Beautiful, The Most Special, & My Only Valentine
Your almond eyes burned holes in my side. My heart feels your dimples' tidal pull. My blood runs. But my mind... wonders at your intentions. Are you another conqueror here to fight again at the site of your last defeat? Are you like a potter to unhewn clay, imagining a purpose? Are you the poet to my blank page, deciding on a genre or the first line? Is the idea of me a soldier's uniform, like a missing puzzle piece with snugly rounded chasms familiar to your well defined world?
Or... are you like an explorer, heel landed on freshest ground? Is your mind rushing with the unknown possibilities of tomorrow? Are you the curious cat trying to divine the contents of my paper bag? Does your skin beg for my wandering tips, stretched, responding to your excitement? Does your cheek, and your neck, and your ear each fight for my lips' attention? Is your greatest desire a mysterious rain of whispers that only you can possess?
If your desire is to know the beauty of your face, then here, rest your anxieties upon this paper pedestal. For the brush of such a woman on my words, I will hold you up as long as my confidence can manage. Today, you are the most beautiful woman in all of my heart. You are the sole emperor, my only lady of love. Right now, you are Venus, the Queen of Lust, crowned for all to see.
If you like me want only love then your beauty is only exceeded by my fortune. Long as I remember, my broken heart needed mending.. in you I sense the same. When we walked a year ago, you were the sweetest babe, top of my list. Unreturned, desires faded.. every girl expects forever chase. Today, I feel some of the same. I simply want - love - communication - and your respect. While it goes without sayin', for you in my life, I would make any sacrifice.
If your only and strongest want, to hear one Man's Valentine's thoughts.. to hold on to your idea, your uniform, your imaginary lover so tight.. then close your eyes, and make in me whatever you like. I will stick to your script, and then pretend to tightly fit. Every word I say, sincere eyes, glowing smile. Each lie, one by one, will tear my heart up.. but then at the end, at least you will have your words on a page.. at least you will have my arms tight round you. Belated Valentine's Day.
Most Sincerely & With My Deepest Love, Whoever You Want Me To Be
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 7, 2015 19:29:03 GMT -5
This is the 3rd rewrite, but I guess this is still a draft and WIP. Comments definitely welcome and encouraged.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 8, 2015 7:11:30 GMT -5
To The Most Beautiful, The Most Special, & My Only Valentine
Your almond eyes burnt two holes in my side. My heart feels your dimples' tidal pull. My blood runs. But my mind... wonders at your intentions. Are you another conqueror here to fight again at the site of your last defeat? Are you like a potter to unhewn clay, imagining a purpose? Are you the poet to my blank page, deciding on a genre or the first line? Is the idea like a soldier's uniform, like a missing puzzle piece with snugly rounded chasms familiar to your orderly world?
Or... are you like an explorer, with heel on freshest ground? Is your mind rushing with the unknown possibilities of tomorrow? Are you the curious cat trying to divine the contents of my paper bag? Does your skin beg for my wandering tips, stretched, responding to your excitement? Does your cheek, and your neck, and your ear each fight for my lips' attention? Is your greatest desire a mysterious rain of whispers that only you can possess?
If your desire to know the beauty of your face, then here, rest your anxieties upon this pappel pedestal. For the brush of such a woman on my feelings, I will hold you up as long as my confidence can manage it. Today, you are the most beautiful woman in all of my heart. You are the sole emperor, my only lady of love. Right now, you are Venus, the Queen of Lust, crowned for all to see.
If you like me want only love, then your beauty is only exceeded by my fortune. Long as I remember, my broken heart needed mending.. in you I sense the same. When we walked year ago, you were the sweetest babe, top of my list. Unreturned, desires faded.. every girl expects forever chase. Today, I feel some of the same. I simply want - love - communication - and your respect. While it goes without sayin', for you in my life, I would make any sacrifice.
If your only and strongest want, to hear one Man's Valentine's thoughts.. to hold on to your idea, your uniform, your imaginary lover so tight.. then close your eyes, and make in me whatever you like. I will stick to your script, and then pretend to tightly fit. Every word I say, sincere eyes, glowing smile. Each lie, one by one, will tear my heart up.. but then at the end, at least you will have your words on a page.. at least our arms will be tightly 'round each, our Belated Valentine's Day.
Most Sincerely & With My Deepest Love, Whoever You Want Me To Be
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 8, 2015 8:43:16 GMT -5
Just learned that both burned and walked are 1 syllable!!! English as a first language imo lmao..
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 8, 2015 23:08:44 GMT -5
Hi Vincent “Just learned that both burned and walked are 1 syllable!!! English as a first language imo lmao..” – English isn’t your first language? Kudos! I have enough trouble with just one language. LOL I’ve been reading your “gg no re” thread and looking forward to your first poetry offering because of it. I expected something shorter than this though. This is hard to comment on. It’s a letter to “her” and not very poetic because of that. I know how critical that sounds and is part of the reason it’s hard to comment on even though I started out very much like this. I like the “love letter” aspect but poetically that leaves some things to be desired. I deeply sympathize with the sentiment but poetry leaves more to the reader’s imagination and allows the reader to fill in the details with their own thoughts and experiences. It’s overly repetitive like this too. There is a lot of “you” and “your” in it. You open by addressing her directly so you don’t need all that. It is best to imply where you can. Let the thought be more abstract instead of directly telling the reader how it is. This is why imagery works so well with poetry. To paint an image in the readers mind we concentrate on descriptive words that invoke emotion and leave out all the conjunctions and mundane words of our everyday language/speech where we can. Don’t try so hard to tell the whole story from your point of view. Let me take your first paragraph and try to demonstrate what I mean. Remember, you’ve already addressed her directly and we know this is from your heart so we don’t need mention these aspects anymore; “Almond eyes burn within, blood runs, moved by tilde force -pulling of dimples- I can not escape. Captivated, my mind wonders; conqueror, returned to right defeat, or a potter retuned to mold un-hewn clay with imagined purpose? Perhaps, a poet returned to fill my blank pages with undisclosed genre. Am I but a solder’s uniform, a missing piece with snuggly rounded chasms, familiar only in your well defined world?”This doesn’t demonstrate imagery very well for two reasons; I’m trying to use your words and my poetic abilities seem to be on a long walk without me. My mind’s eye seems blind ATM. Notice that while I am talking to and thinking of her I make no farther mention of it in the body of work. That has been established already so it can be forgotten by the reader, for the moment, allowing the reader to imagine whoever they wish (man or woman) so it touches them more deeply and personally. Words like “the” and conjunctions should be used sparingly. Eg; “To The Most Beautiful, Most Special, My Only Valentine”The first thing I do after the rough draft is go through it and delete as many words as I can without losing too much of its meaning. A poetry reader wants lots of meaning and feeling packed into as short a read as possible. Think of the reader as a lazy one. Short and sweet as they say. The difficulty is in finding the right balance for any particular write. After that the challenge becomes a sort of game to me. Digging through the reassesses of my mind to find the best descriptive word choices. Sometimes entire lines can be replaced with a single word or few word combinations. When I’m done I try reading it out loud with all the grandiose flair of Shakespeare or the sad reserve of E. A. Poe, depending on the meaning of the write. At this point meter and rhythm make themselves known to me though these are the least important to me personally. Sometimes it points out glaring problems though. BTW, I think you have done well with those here though you could improve a few areas with punctuation. Eg; “If you like me want only love, then your beauty is only exceeded by my fortune.”As it is, it starts out with; “If you like me…” But then “…want only love” comes along and throws the rhythm out of whack. It turns a question into a statement in mid sentence. Two well placed commas fix it right up with their brief pause and segregating meaning; “If you, like me, want only love, then your beauty is only exceeded by my fortune.” I love that line BTW. I don’t mean to discourage you in any way by sounding critical. It’s a good first offering in its meaning and feel, but like any art, it takes practice and time to learn and refine the skill. That is why we require so much feedback (3 to 1). Commenting on the details of another’s write is hard to do but it forces us to really think about everything we like and dislike about a write. That is far easier to do to someone else’s work than our own because it takes some objectivity to be honest about it. I look forward to reading more of your work and watching your skill develop. Honestly, much of it is already there IMO. I see it in your “gg no re” thread. I suspect this one is emotional for you and hard to share. I still have a lot of trouble being objective with my own writes like this one and I always try to say too much. LOL Thanks for sharing
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 9, 2015 9:12:26 GMT -5
Yay! No this is exactly what I was looking for. I have a job interview in a couple hours so I will def read through all of this when I get back. Definitely appreciate the criticism. That is why I am here.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 9, 2015 18:36:11 GMT -5
Mannnnnnn Forsaken, you da bomb. English is my first and only language unless being able to count to four as knowing a language. In which case I also know Spanish, Portuguese, French, German and I once knew half of Chinese. I really appreciate the criticism and have learned a lot in your post. I don't find any of it belittling. The last English class I took was when I was getting my Associates degree in '97. Let's just say I haven't done a lot better with English than my foreign language counting skillz. I really like poetry and read it for enjoyment sometimes, which is strange since I don't really grip to novels and other more common forms. Sooo everything I know about poetry is from reading, music and just writing crap down. Over the last year I have figured out that girls REALLY like love notes, so I guess that my medium of choice. I know its kind of weird to approach is poetically, but it is an experiment in progress. Before that I would write some more abstract stuff like in the ggno thread maybe once or twice a year but not much else. I would classify myself a novice, even if a novice with potential. As for the poem, my interests seem to have flopped over to the other girl for the moment so I will probably pick this one back up again in 1.75 days when I realize neither of them ever coming. It's still good practice. My sword is getting sharp.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 9, 2015 22:51:12 GMT -5
Hay Vincent Good luck with the job. I grew up with German and Spanish but it’s true what they say; if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. I’ve learned a lot about writing poetry here. Reading is the best advice I can give. If you go back through the years here you’ll find some really great lessons in the comments but I can’t stress how much giving comments yourself will cement the lessons to your own skills. But then, it seems I have to do the work and learn everything the hard way. LOL I once had a collection of old love poems from my youth until a jealous GF found them and burned them. No great loss really. Bunch of sappy crap. I never took a poetry class but then, I always did proffer to be self taught. I did very well academically but English was always my weakest subject. That is kind of odd though because I did very well at creative writing. My spelling still sucks. Thank Microsoft for spell-check.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 9, 2015 23:30:59 GMT -5
Reading is the best advice I can give. Well said and thanks for the reminder. I've def read my share of older poems and will continue for enjoyment if nothing else.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 10, 2015 16:43:07 GMT -5
They said they sending me the job offer, more than was in the ad too.
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Post by Mikepoet on Dec 22, 2015 17:11:02 GMT -5
This was a good read. It flowed well. whoever she was, she should be proud to have inspired this.
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