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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 31, 2015 16:11:26 GMT -5
This has been here a few days and I have read it several times but I still don’t know what to say. I just want to let you know I read it and appreciate it. It’s a lot to let out and it’s raw so it is hard to comment on. Don’t take the readers silence as a rejection or that we don’t like it. It’s not poetic, as it is so raw, but it has lots of poetry in it. You’re not alone. I fact I’m inclined to workshop this with you if it is something you want to do but, on the other hand, my poetic abilities seem to have hit the skids ATM. Not sure I’d be much help.
Thanks for sharing.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Apr 1, 2015 11:59:32 GMT -5
I know the run ons are kinda your gig and I feel that is why you didn't breakup the first part. I think somewhere around 'homicide between your thighs' it should be broken up. The meter at the end of S1 is nice and I like the flow, but the build up is a bit too long imo and that stalls out the delivery right before it gets really good. Certainly the close is very strong phonetically and in delivery, but I think the line theme should just be ditched and stuck with crime theme. Definitely like it and give it 8.5-9/10 which is higher than I'd score anything I write, so please take criticism constructively.
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Removed
Apr 1, 2015 17:48:55 GMT -5
Post by fourtimefelon on Apr 1, 2015 17:48:55 GMT -5
Working on it tonight if I don't pass out in the shower. I just kinda copied this off the paper.
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Removed
Apr 22, 2015 16:36:38 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Aish on Apr 22, 2015 16:36:38 GMT -5
Where did it go? Please put it back up, I'd really like to read it.
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