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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 10, 2015 14:49:46 GMT -5
Awesome write. I love the drug/woman intimation.
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Post by vincentaugustemanet on Mar 11, 2015 11:15:30 GMT -5
Really nice work. You got a lot of talent imo.
I kinda wanna change up s1l2 down to 11 sylables to setup s1l4's stutter a little more. Also I think you can turn up the concaphony at the end of s2l4.
Something like....
s1l2 'He's covered in tracks never heeding the signs '
s2l4 'From cough chattered chest the breath prattles pigeon fits'
Really great job.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Mar 11, 2015 15:04:32 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback vincent, and the praise. This comes from an evolving piece. It doesn't know if it wants to be a song or a poem or a spoken piece or what.
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