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Post by fourtimefelon on Mar 4, 2015 2:13:24 GMT -5
Violent anger My soul glows black Blood tears spill My flesh is rent Little of me left to care Madness is growing Without words of warning Death comes for all Yet I remain Clinging to the precipice I've grown tired I've grown old
Broken does not begin to describe me
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I liked this one a lot. I just cut out a few things that seemed superfluous to me. I hear tell that less is more in poetry meant to be read. And in the little rewrite I did I altered the random capitalization. It didn't lend any significance to the words that were capitalized, in my opinion. I loved the singling out of the last line. Couple of Lincolns for ya.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 8, 2015 17:25:43 GMT -5
This is pretty good. I see a good effort for making short poetic statements in this. Presenting the lines a little differently you can use the reader’s imagination more effectively by a sort of generalizing with a focus on developing an image. Start with your best captivating line and simplify the final punch. Eg;
My soul glows black Violent angry bloody tears fall on rent flesh
With this growing madness death comes without warning Yet I remain clinging to this precipice
I grow tired I grow old Broken is only the beginning
From here I’d expand on that imagery a bit. Maybe something related to a black/broken heart between the last two strophes to tie the concepts together more solidly.
Thanks for sharing I've got a few about this too.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Mar 8, 2015 18:08:09 GMT -5
Meh? What happened to wickedthingz's original post? Just for the record, I am not the author of this poem. I am but a humble proofreader and critic.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 9, 2015 15:03:28 GMT -5
Hmmmm? That is odd. I didn't notice till you pointed it out. Sigh!
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